Going through a breakup.

I got broken up with last night.

He was a wonderful man. So unbelievably patient, so adoring, so kind and giving, and very receptive to Christ despite meeting him as both non-Christians who were just dipping our toes into the possibility. Myself and his best friend (who I became close friends with, and is now my brother-in-law) felt we were called on this track to plant those seeds and lead him into this faith. I was intentional with my faith throughout the entire relationship (especially as my own relationship with God grew) and stayed in prayer as well as I could manage during the strangely tumultuous times we had as a couple and as a friend group. Near the end, the last few months, when I felt things changing, I did my best to pour into God instead of letting the uncertainty and fear consume me.

Throughout this, God seemed to guide me to scripture and advice regarding spiritual warfare. I’d pray, listen, vent, and ask for clarity… and I’d relish in the comfort, but back then I’d swear I was only getting answers that confused me more. I didn’t understand it for the longest time. Spiritual warfare??? I’ve only known spiritual warfare to be tangible and in my face (as someone who comes from a background of paganism) Not like this!

The day after he broke up with me the first time, I was distraught… but I had SO MUCH clarity. I felt the Holy Spirit more strongly than I had in months after hours of prayer and just pouring my pain into Him. God eventually told me that whatever my next move was, it was feasible, but to keep Him at the forefront of it.

The next day, after a lengthy, satisfying, receptive discussion about faith and where things went wrong, my ex-bf apologized for his rash decision and asked me to try again. He promised to dive into his faith and start there immediately. So, we got back together, and he broke up with me again 3 days later.

In the end, I realized despite how loving and genuine and receptive of a man he was? He wasn’t ready. It hurts me so deeply because I know he is hurting too! We are young, early 20s, and he doesn’t know how to deal with the blows. I know now that he felt inadequate and afraid, and it festered into resentment through lack of proper communication and understanding of his own emotions. He projected that onto me. I tried and worked so hard on myself for him, but in the end it was up to him to run away for the “easiest” option or to fight for us.

I hope he continues to read the bible I gifted him. I hope he gets into therapy.

It just sucks knowing in my heart that God gave me the agency and hope to continue fighting for this relationship with Him and…. yet in the end, for my ex-bf’s fears, anxiety, doubts, and cowardliness to win anyway. It sucks even more because he was, genuinely, such an outstanding partner to me despite those faults. I know now that the warnings of spiritual warfare I’d felt for so long applied to him more than me, and I pray that he eventually is healed and protected, and experiences that clarity of that veil being lifted.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want him. Of course I do, and I have no intention of pretending I don’t. Especially not in my Lord’s face 😭 But I know it’s more important than ever right now to be strong and turn to God. To not ask, but pray, and look for guidance in his answers. I intend to do that the best I can. I am distraught, and it’s difficult, but I also know that is more of a reason to throw myself into Him.

Support and advice appreciated. Prayers too.