I (47F) am struggling with the pain of letting go and maintaining no contact with recently broken up ex boyfriend (45M).

Over 2 year relationship. Dated one year, lived together the next year, kicked him out 6 weeks ago. We have both wanted to and have tried several times in the past 6 weeks to work on things.

I’m really struggling to let go of this relationship. My partner was verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. He lied to me, was dishonest about how often he used THC and gabapentin, and repeatedly blamed me instead of taking accountability for the way his words and actions affected me.

The hardest part is that he also had so many wonderful qualities. I loved him deeply, and I miss him every day. That’s what makes this so painful. We’ve tried to repair the relationship multiple times, but the pattern never changes. When conflict comes up, he continues to blame me for most of what happened, minimizes my experience, and avoids taking responsibility. I know I played a role in some of our problems, and I’m not claiming to be perfect, but this dynamic existed long before me. It was a pattern in his previous two marriages, and now I’ve experienced it too.

I’m struggling to maintain no contact because my heart still wants the person I fell in love with. But when we try to reconnect and he snaps at me, everything in my body reacts. My chest gets tight, my heart races, and I become anxious. My nervous system feels like it’s bracing for the next outburst.
Ironically, when we aren’t in contact, my gut, my body, and my nervous system all feel calmer. The emotional pain of missing him is overwhelming, but the anxiety and fear I feel when we’re together tell a very different story. My heart misses him, but my body remembers what my mind sometimes tries to forget.

If he could stop snapping on me and talk and work on his issues while I am working on mine, I think we could gain ground. But he keeps blaming me and treating me very poorly. I don’t know if I should just let some time go by and see if he has time to reflect and if he is ready to put real effort in or just maintain no contact and heal and move on?