It's the little things

...i never really had anything bad happen to me. there never was any grand truama or even any mental illness that i know of. on paper, im the perfect child/student. smart, polite, a quick learner, that sort of thing.

but growing up, even though i had friends, there was never a true connection. i wasn't bullied ot ignored, but it was little things. little details that added up. how the other kids seemed to avoid me a little. how i would have no one show up to my birthday when i was younger while my cousin got so many people coming with gifts(we had shared birthdays). how my friends would start avoiding me, or how i would just change schools whenever i got close with someone. it sounds stupid and small. i know.

my parents weren't abusive or neglective. just a bit strict. they loved me and still do. they never made me feel unloved. they pushed me to be better. but sometimes, it felt a bit transactional. like how i would get yelled at when my handwriting got less readable. of course, they would always apologize and hold me after, but it didn't change much.

it was how when i made it to middle school, i had no friends because no one else passed the entrance exam to the well known and high tier school i got it. how my grades suddenly tanked, because i wasn't good at memorizing. i learned, i was ahead in the sciences and math, but things like language or religion related subjects were something i fell behind on.

you see? nothing that was actually bad. and yet, somehow, at some point, things changed. i don't remember the last few years that well. it feels like a fog. one day, i started selfharming out of nowhere. and i kept doing it until i start passing out from blood loss. one day, i started feeling insecure about how i look and it escalated until all i can do in public is compare myself to everyone. one day, i thought about how death would be, and it turned into multiple attempts that hospitalized me. i don't know why im like this. it feels like attention seeking. you have no idea how many times i thought about not posting this because of how stupidly unimportant it feels. i don't know what's wrong with me, or if anything is wrong with me at all. maybe i got depression, or maybe im just being dramatic to have an excuse to stop trying. i don't know anymore.