Showers are for crying…

I’m not normally the self indulgent type. I’m very good at telling myself why something I feel may not very well be true but it’s 5 months now since I “gave birth” and showers are still for crying.

I was genuinely open to any and all interventions.
My birth plan was simple and basic. I’m a bit older and have heard all the stories from friends and clients and people in general about how you have no control and what happens will happen.

Then came 36 hours of back labor. We used every induction and intervention measure and spinning babies and sailed right through because they weren’t helping or became no longer indicated. Ending with Pitocin and contractions basically on top of each other or with a min in between. ALL in my back. An idiot nurse came in and asked me if I was so excited to meet my new baby. I realized no, I wasn’t. That my mind wasn’t processing what I was even trying to do and that I think I know what torture is like. All I could do was try to breathe which felt impossible. I caved and asked for the epidural. I never even hit the button. Baby was in too much distress and we ended up with a c-section.

What my mind is stuck on is how much pain went into 2.5 cm, -2 station. How I not only failed but I never even made it to the race so to speak. At some point during labor I heard the woman next door delivering and her raw animalistic sounds when she was pushing haunt me. When people ask me how birth went I’m like well ask my surgeon because I didn’t do it. Husband is not good with this sort of thing and can never just offer reassurances or support.

I know the fact that I was even awake during the surgery was a blessing. That she is healthy and thriving is a blessing. I feel like a petulant child screaming into the ether but I think sometimes Reddit is for that.