Mutual breakup with pw/bpd, still love eachother.

We ended it because our communication issues were causing us both a lot of pain, and there were some things that just didn't match up. It was codependent and a lot of her self esteem relied on my approval, which made it hard when she accidentally hurt my feelings and I tried to talk about it. The communication issues made it so that despite her best efforts, I often didn't understand that she was trying to help. I did my best to try and instruct her on what kind of language or actions makes me feel better, but she is autistic with BPD so she always had problems regulating her emotions. It would make her panic and cause her a lot of pain, and she would convince me to let her ignore her boundaries and try to change for me because she wanted to give me everything.

I always told her I thought it was unhealthy, but she begged me to let her try. I think she really wore herself thin in the end out of fear of me leaving, and I had been honest with her that it was on my mind because conflicts became spirals and I would have to comfort her even though I had brought up my hurt first. Then when I needed comfort, she couldn't provide it out of being too stressed. She didn't love herself enough to not try to give me more than she had, and I knew we weren't going to last for a very long time.

But our breakup was mutual. We talked about it calmly and came to the same conclusion. I want to dispel the myths about those with BPD because while she did do a couple of hurtful and impulsive things at the beginning of our relationship (dumping me after our first fight then immediately trying to get back with her ex) she grew a LOT through our relationship and I genuinely believe she is such a good person contrary to the reputation those with BPD have. She does care about others, immensely. Each individual with BPD is different; BPD is only a measure of a lack of sense of self and extreme emotional deregulation and pain. It does not, in of itself, make someone cruel. The cruelty is a choice. If a person with BPD hurt you and was an asshole to you, that person was always an asshole to begin with, BPD or not. Because my girl was wonderful, mature, caring, giving, and loved me very much, and she tried so hard despite all of her traumas and wounds and I think she is such a strong person for all of it.

I am grieving this relationship extremely hard as we still love eachother, but we both agreed she would benefit from working on her self love outside the context of a relationship. We both wanted us to be the one and it hurts but we're still going to be in eachother's lives as close friends, or even chosen family. I never want to let go, our relationship will simply be not romantic. And we promised to support eachother no matter what. She is too important to me to not keep in my life. And I feel lucky to have had a chance to love her. I wish I could have only done more, but maybe I can at least give her that as a brother.