Just someone to talk to

I genuinely don’t open up about anything and keep to myself we’ll have kept to my self all my life so bear with me if this is cringey

I been alive for 18 years on this planet and for some reason I always have this feeling of being alone it’s not like I don’t have anyone but it’s like no one knows me . I did suffer from severe depression and anxiety and had 4 attempts which was fortunately or unfortunately unsuccessful and even when I speak about my past and stuff people always never really ask anything about me. I have a girlfriend (kindof) but I have this very deep almost isolating feeling that she doesn’t love me or like me . Yesterday we were flirting and I while flirting said "aww babe you’re all talk so disappointing “ after that she said that well then find another girl and talk to her . I haven’t talked to her since but I genuinely feel bad about this Ik I overreacted but I have feelings too she says stuff like this all the time .

I never had any friend I could talk to I am just used to crying all alone in my room idk what to do I’m trying to change soo much and I want to be a better person but I keep on falling into the same pit.

Can’t really talk about this without being called soft and gay (although those aren’t insults by any mean)