That Cold, Cold Mirror That Stared Back aka When My Defeat Became My Victory

36. That's the number I'm staring at currently, 36. It's been a really long time in coming and really a hard road that I've had to eat a lot of crap sandwiches along the way. FYI, they taste like you think they would. But I'm not here to indulge or complain, but to tell my story of how the tragedy has shaped me as the person that I am today.

It began in late 2023 and exteneded into late 2024 to recently. To me that was the beginning of what I thought was the end. My marriage was falling apart due to constant power struggles between my spouse and I. She'd started listening to misandric videos on TikTok and trying to apply them to our marriage. Therefore, what I had to say didn't mean a thing to her and it didn't help that she had her mom and sister in her ear either. On top of that I was working a grueling job in the oilfield where I was injured but still expected to work or I would be deemed as making excuses for underperforming. To say that this was terrible, was an understatement. My body was breaking down day after day and money wasn't coming in like I was capable of doing. We got evicted from our home, a four bedroom and ended up living in a one room house. She also had just had a surgery on her eyes and because I couldn't pay for it due to the aforementioned issues above, I was looked down upon. Everyone forgot all that I had done in the past to keep her safe and happy after one mishap. No one even cared that I was basically living off of microwave rice and canned beans just to keep a roof over out heads. I'd also pawned three of my most valuable guitars to help as well and nearly lost my car. There are many other details that I'd rather leave out. That's when my depression hit me like a ton of bricks.

The misandry got so bad that when I'd finally had enough of her mouth, I told her we were divorcing. I'd had all that I could stand and I was up to six feet above my head in debt due to everything involved. It also didn't help that I was working a job that I hated just to get by. I had to return to my job as a prison guard and my depression worsened. Couple that with the fact that my mother had passed away the same day that I was hired and you have yourself rollercoaster of emotions that just would not stop. I'd also started drinking heavily again and that wasn't helping my case as I'd slowed and almost stopped alcohol altogether by that point. I just couldn't win for losing.

The next kick to my face came from a guy I saw as not a friend, but a brother. We'd met on Facebook when we were still OTR truck drivers. We'd share stories and even had events in our lives that we had to help each other through, i.e. he called me at three in the morning because he'd gotten close to making a mistake that would've likely cost him dearly in the long run. Again, I won't go into details. He even convinced me to leave company that left me stranded and I even sent him the plane tickets showing him that I was flying out. We were close and I was even happy for him when he got on hauling mail, a job I couldn't have due to my driver history. He even helped me get my credit back in order and I would try and send him knick knacks from things he was a fan of due to the fact that I attend cosplay conventions when I can.

When I ended up working for the jailhouse, I revealed to him that I was planning on getting back in the truck due to not being able to live off of barely $2400 a month. Rent where I'm at is insane and my wife's medical bills weren't stopping anytime soon. In his eyes, I should've kept that job due to it being a government job with great benefits. Benefits don't pay the rent. The problem began when I wasn't answering phone calls like I used to. This was due in part to our schedules not aligning with one another and I'd even tried explaining that. Around what would've been my mother's 62nd birthday, I was in jail academy and my phone had to stay in my vehicle due to where I was. I would attempt to call him on the short breaks I was afforded and sometimes he could answer and sometimes he couldn't. On one of those days, he sent me scathing message about how I was a terrible friend. I responded by telling him that I was stuck in the classroom when he called and even sent him the schedule to prove where I'd been.

When I got into my vehicle to go home that evening, he sent me another scathing message. This time he went on to dress me down by saying that I was a lousy friend and that I quit answering his calls because I had acquired a home every day job. He then went to say that I was a liar about catching numerous infections that year and that I had no control over my own household and needed to grow up. A point of interest about the aforementioned is that we'd had two rounds of COVID in my household, I'd battled strep throat three times since going back to prison work and I'd barely cleared a tooth abscess and broken tooth that I was contending with for over five years. Granted, I never would've talked bad about the things he told me he had going on nor used them to destroy a person. He then used my saying of my door being "wide open" by stating that he was walking out of it with his head held high. He then told me to never contact him again and to f\*\*\* off. That was the end of a great friendship there and I do blame myself. My thing about that is that I also don't like burdening people with my problems and I guess by not being open, I earned that. Still, I won't speak badly of him as I'm not of that mindset.

As far as working in the county jail, it is as bad as the reader may think it is. I was spit on my second week in training and crucified because they had an incident with an inmate that I didn't bother helping in as they had it under control. After the aforementioned jail academy, I did receive a pay raise but not by much as it did nothing in the grand scheme of things. What I loved most was being put on the roughest dorm we had. I flat refused to run my blood pressure up for a bunch of idiots. I was even nearly jumped because my supervisors shut the phones off due to inmates showing the nurse their "goods" during pill pass. As you can tell by what I've typed already, I didn't care what happened to me at that point. The co-workers were no better and I'll detail below what I mean.

I was always put on a cell block with a camera looking over my shoulder. No problem as when I did the job the first time around, they were everywhere. Where there was a problem was the days where they'd call me after seeing me read work e-mails or listening to gospel sermons while still performing my job duties. I felt singled out as they seemed to be zoomed on where I'm working and not bothering other people. I was also written up when we had a fire drill. This was due to it being after 10 pm at night, having inmates asleep that I had to corral into a gym, one who refused to go into the gym and two in the shower that I instructed to stay there as I wanted to avoid them getting injured trying to get out in the lightspeed that they demanded. I was also told to keep them in the shower during training for that reason. After a couple of more months of the harassment, I resigned after getting a phone call from the trucking company that I am currently employed by despite swearing off this career. However, this is where the healing began.

After moving into the current home I'm living in, I began to look and assess exactly where I may have went wrong. On a particularly mundane night, I just sat in my bathroom. No music, no phone and just the shower running. As the warm water washed over my body, I imagined it as blood falling to the shower floor and flowing down the drain. It wasn't a feeling of elation, but a feeling of death and rebirth to myself. I'd started reading my Bible again (go ahead and have a go at me if you wish) and would pray. In those prayers, there was no asking for anything for myself, but a thank you for what I did have. I looked around at what I had and suddenly, losing what I had seemed irrelevent at that point. To better describe it, I'll list them.

* The anger I felt towards my spouse fell away and we drew closer. We now pray when we feel that something may come and draw us apart. * New opportunites came along in the form of my current job of hauling crude and actually being home at the end of the night. * I've cleaned up a lot of the other things in my life that used to burn me out and send me into a spiral of depression that I didn't need. * I've began finding joy in the things that I love such as cooking and music and now I come up with new recipes and new songs in my spare time. According to my spouse, I make a mean omlette. * My spouse is on the way to getting the surgery that she needs and we're praying that it will do the things it needs to do and we have faith that it will.

It's just so sad what it took for me to reach this point. I've actually grown from the beginning and am still growing as time goes on. I'm even pursuing my degree again and waiting to see what the future holds.

If you stayed long enough, thank you for reading this. I'm also open to questions, comments and poorly thought out d\*ath threats. That's my story and it isn't over yet.