so tired of trying

I’ve been in therapy and on medication for 8 years now and i feel like I am just sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand. I have been trying so hard with everything and I feel so hopeless that I will get any better. I can’t count the amount of medications and treatments I’ve tried, different combinations and therapists. I am so young and I am missing out so much on life as much as I really am trying to push myself into anything and everything even if it scares me.

I really do put myself out there and try to meet people and do new things but I think am unintentionally off-putting to people because of my neurodivergence. I have had to cut off a lot of people I loved with all of my heart because they weren’t good for me and I regret it every day because I am so alone. I exercise often, eat well and involve myself in nature often, have so many hobbies to choose from, but I still don’t feel any better. I am really starting to lose my hope and it’s so incredibly hard to just get out of bed every morning. recently had a breakup too that’s hitting me way harder than it seems it’s hitting him. I tolerated so much more than I should have and I am so upset at myself for disrespecting my wellbeing for someone who did the bare minimum for me. It just reminded me how alone I really am and that all the progress I think I’ve made really isn’t much.