I feel like being nonbinary will never not feel like I'm inherently misogynistic.

I have been in a pit of worrying for like 9 months now that the only reason I'm not a woman is because being a woman wasn't "good enough" for me. I feel like I cannot separate my dysphoria from the nebulous idea that all of it could just be internalized misogyny. I feel I can never have a clean "yes, I'm actually nonbinary and not a woman who just hates being a woman because of misogyny."

When I think about trans women I think about how when they transition, it's getting OVER internalized misogyny and finally becoming the women they're meant to be despite the misogyny they will experience. They overcome society telling them women are lesser all because they are women and need to be women.

Then I think about myself and there is no good narrative like that. I think about how I faced all of those same pressures, because I did, except I responded to them by transitioned AWAY from being a woman. How do I know my discomfort with being a woman, being perceived as a woman, is because misogyny was too much for me and I ended up internalizing that being a woman is lesser?

I'm not saying I think nonbinary people don't exist. I want to make it explicitly clear this is a post about my own struggle with feeling evil and not about how trans women are better than nonbinary people.

I'm saying the grey area is eating away at me and making me feel like I will never be clean. I feel gross existing as a woman. I feel gross existing as a man. I feel gross existing as a nonbinary person even though that's what feels best because that nagging feeling at the back of my head is telling me the only reason I don't want to be a woman is because being a woman is "lesser."

I don't WANT to feel this way. I want to feel good and euphoric and happy without having to feel like a horrible person every time I start to feel good about my gender but when I compare myself to trans womens' experiences I just feels disgustingly unclean. I know my experiences of feeling terrible like this aren't unique to me and that trans women have similar thoughts too. I just don't know how to get out of this pit and I desperately want to.