Going crazy over thoughts of a third baby!

I'll try to keep this short. I'll be 42 soon and have always thought I would have at least 3 kids. We had kids "later" at 35 and 37. We moved states, switched jobs, and just had a lot going on but it was ALWAYS on my mind. January of 2025 my husband agreed to start trying for a third. I got pregnant quickly but ended in miscarriage, pregnant again that September, but another miscarriage. Got pregnant again in January of 2026 and ended in miscarriage that resulted in a D & C (terrible experience). I'm no stranger to miscarriages. I had 3 prior to my first.

Anyway the last pregnancy progressed longer and while I was pregnant I had serious anxiety over whether it was a good decision or not. Every day I was like, "what did I get us into!! A third will be crazy, we are older, financially it will be harder, my other two will suffer etc..." all the scary thoughts were there 10 fold. The odd thing was, I knew as soon as the pregnancy ended because my symptoms disappeared in an instant and the anxiety went away too. I felt like a different person. A few days later an ultrasound confirmed a miscarriage.

Anyway, we talked and my husband especially thought we should stop trying and be grateful for two healthy kids, shits expensive, why rock the boat etc... I can't help but agree but there's still that nagging feeling. Obviously nature may be making the decision for me with 3 miscarriages in one year. I know there are a lot of posts about this topic but I still feel crazy because when there is a question if I might be pregnant or not, my first thought is "oh shit!!! Why did I do this! This was a dumb idea, I'm so stupid. If I'm not pregnant then we are definitely done. Never trying again!!!" Then when my period comes I get very disappointed. I literally can't win. I'm terrified when I think I might be pregnant and then super disappointed when I find out I'm not. Like WTF! I just wish I was more one way or the other.

If I'm having these "oh shit" moments when I think there's a chance I'm pregnant is that reason enough to definitively say no to a third? I seriously need someone to just tell me what to do and how to feel hahah. I didn't keep this short like I promised, I'm sorry.