Nicotine addiction is kicking my ass

What started as a fun drunken habit became a 6 year long daily habit. During these six years i had one solid year where quit simply bc I got very sick with Covid one day and was incapable of 1)staying awake 2) swallowing my own spit let alone breathing in cig smoke without choking on air. It was a week long recovery which felt so easy when it came to letting the smoking go bc I didn’t deal with any day 1-3 issues.

Then one day after that year i said “just one it won’t hurt”. Once again I would run out and run to the store saying “this will be rhe last one. I didn’t say farewell to my habit properly hust more time”. That has gone on everyday for 4ish years and it’s only bc im so painfully aware it’s not doing me any good. The longest I can go is 3-4 days now. Day 1 is fine. Day 2 I cry a lot, have extreme anxiety, and do not sleep for 3-4 days after that. I fight with everyone and am so irritable that I actually forget IM ONLY IRRITABLE BC I don’t have my “pacifier”. Ever since I heard someone compare my smoking habit to a pacifier it made all the sense in the world = this was the worst thing someone like me could have picked up. I had an actual pacifier and bottle til I was 12 years old (which in hindsight is so embarrassing and my mom was always annoyed by it but I’d lose sleep if I didn’t have it. Cry. Literally exactly like my smoking problem).

So I understand this will be the hardest thing for me to drop. I was sick a week ago, first time in years since that one Covid time and the first few days i again found myself sleeping thru it all and no urge or want to touch a stupid cig or vape. As I started healing and could finally take a breath without coughing, I started fantasizing about hitting a vape. I later that night ecen tried it knowing I wasn’t even fully healed. Safe to say, getting a severe cold won’t help me quit anymore and the one time was my only opportunity.

So this sucks. I run out of money sometimes til pay day and if I run out of stuff I literally start scrambling around the internet tryna make money quick, surveys, sign on bonuses. Turn on DoorDash. Anything to get my god damn pacifier. If a few hours pass, I spend every hour of that time thinking about getting a vape or cig. I repeatedly picture myself walking into my store (which is embarrassing me as well bc the ladies dont ecen ask me anymore, they just immediately grab my product when they see me). I just don’t find that shaming me enough, to not continue purchasing this garbage.

Painful side note= my grandfather just passed of lung cancer. That looked extremely painful and horrible and dehumanizing. A body suffocating and drowning itself from within. My father has an ecen worse smoking addiction than I do being as mine is only 6 years long. He’s been smoking easily 30+ years. It’s annoying to hear ppl like my sister or grandparents saying to tell him to stop. Bc they don’t understand it’s not as easy as hust “stopping”. The level of anxiety going a day or 2 without it. The insomnia worsening the anxiety and mood. Ive quit jobs over the anxiety before I realized what was going on. I’ve tried it so many times that I already know good and well exactly what happens to me and am just wrestling in my mind. I just repurchased again bro. Ive even had guilt from a repurchase and throw it out an hour after buying BRAND NEW and survive a day before I give back in like “I did good I quit a few hours yay” no. NOT YAY.