Unique custody situation involving medically fragile children. Father is a covert abuser, DSS and 50B did not work.

If this too difficult to read, please let me know and I will plug it into chat GPT for the sake of formatting and clarification.

37F, North Carolina,

How do you think custody would work in this atypical situation?

Four kids (17, 14, 5, 3), the two oldest with severe medical issues (receiving SSI, awaiting bone marrow transplants, frequent medical care required, etc) and the five year old with moderate medical and developmental issues (requires a little more medical care than average— mostly nutritional, and a lot of patience and guidance for the developmental issues, quite a many extra medical appointments.). The three year old has no medical or developmental issues but does express attachment issues, anger, and distress related to the current “visitation schedule” and he breastfeeds for comfort and soothing but is mostly weaned.

In 2025, I was informed by my two oldest children of a few incidences that I considered abusive behavior by their father who I was in a relationship with for 20+ years (but never married). I began making an exit plan and left him a few months later. His behaviors had been getting openly worse and worse and he became a very crappy partner in general after our fourth child came along (or at least he stopped trying to hide that he was being a crappy partner— he likely was that way all along).

When I left it did not go well. He took my now 5 year old and left for a week with zero contact. He attempted to take both children but cops were called and for some reason they let us each take one. I told him we were leaving to go to my parent’s house next door. He had jumped into my vehicle when he saw me buckling my little 5 year old in which lead to bruises and some scratches on my arms. I had to hold my weight up to keep him up so we didn’t both end up laying on top of the child I was placing in the car seat (hope that makes sense). He is 6’2” feet, ~200+ lbs. This is the only time in the 20 years we were together that he physically harmed me and the only time the police were called. I didn’t realize it at the time but throughout our relationship his abuse came in the form of emotional and verbal abuse, financial abuse, intimidation, and coercive control. I always knew something was wrong with our relationship but I couldn’t figure out what and out of fear of the unknown (especially with my children’s medical issues) I stayed with him and attempted to keep him happy so everyone content. To my knowledge, I took on nearly 98% of the parenting and he contributed at his own convenience. I realize for some parents that means barely any involvement but he stayed very involved— sometimes overly involved and didn’t respect our children as individuals which was something we attempted to address in therapy off and on throughout our relationship along with many other things. However, the logistics, the planning, the cooking, the cleaning, the dirty work, the exhausting parts were all on me.

Fast forward back to when I attempted to leave.. The day before I left I had called CPS and requested to open a case on behalf of my children and what they told me. He didn’t know about this. The next day is when the police were called and the bruising occurred.I went the next day and filed for a temporary restraining order, my oldest went with me (her preference, she was terrified to be away from me). While we were there she asked if she could file one also and we were told no, but I could file it on her behalf. So in the request for a restraining order I documented the abuse she and her brother had told me about including specifics, dates, etc. This was granted on a Friday and a hearing was set a few days later. My daughter ended up being hospitalized right before the hearing. I had been in contact with legal aid and was following all the guidelines that were recommend to me. Legal aid hadn’t given me a lawyer yet on the date of the hearing and told me to ask for a continuation which I did. The judge denied the continuation despite my daughter being in the hospital. During the hearing my their father had (very expensive and experienced) legal representation and I had none. Apparently nearly everything I tried to say was “hearsay” since the witness was in the hospital. I explained on the stand after many attempts of speaking that if I couldn’t speak about my children’s experiences without them being here then I had said everything possible. The restraining order was thrown out, I was told this was simply a custody issue, and my ex went back to our family home and refused to leave. The CPS case I had opened began their investigation. DSS came out many times and were well informed of the abuse I was told about.

For an example of the abuse, he would make my kids hit our dogs with objects when I wasn’t present, made them shock them with the shock collar on the highest setting, and told them that since they had medical issues they didn’t have to feed/water his dogs when they didn’t feel well but to just know they would be going without food and water those days. There are many more, but I used this one because I think it’s the one that bothers my children the most.

DSS closed the case. They gave us their recommendations of individual therapy, not to force a relationship between the oldest and their dad, etc. pretty basic stuff really. He began neglecting his dogs (he didn’t feed them the entire week he took our kid and hid) and obviously I have enough on my plate and can’t always leave the hospital and my kids to go home and tend to his responsibilities. I documented the abuse and called animal control on him. They were extremely unhelpful. It took them 5+ months to finally let him know his efforts still weren’t good enough and they would be taking the dogs. He proceeded to give them to some random man (he claims). When animal control did finally show back up to take the dogs they were already gone. I told them that and I told them this was all his words and I would feel better if this could be confirmed because I was worried he just took the dogs to a different location and lied about it or gave them to a family member so he could get them back later. I received zero follow ups.

Initially he did not get our youngest kids overnight but he eventually did. Then it occasionally progressed to two nights. When I spoke to DSS and our caseworker about this she said it was time for him to “man up” and take care of them and I just have to let him. I was basically terrified to go to court for custody because I was scared he would be granted more than he should have and there would be nothing I could do about it. Clearly with my children’s medical issues, we would need a lot of little details to be addressed in a custody agreement. Legal aid could no longer help me because they are currently only able to take on domestic abuse cases and since the restraining order was thrown out it was no longer considered domestic abuse.

I am actually a nurse but I am not able to work because of my kids needing so much care and having so many unpredictable medical events that require hospitalization. So obviously affording four kids, being forced to leave the home I own, and medical stuff makes it extremely difficult to afford a lawyer. He claimed our kids on his taxes and used the money to keep his very well-known and sought after lawyer.

Between our atypical medical situation, the type of abuse he displayed, my horrible experience with the 50B, the lack of resources offered from legal aid, the family crisis center, DSS, and the police all have me terrified of going through court but I know it’s inevitable. Especially since it’s been one year now and their feelings towards visitation with their dad has gotten much worse instead of better. I’m scared he will be given more time than he gets right now or that it will be set in stone and won’t take into consideration the medical demands or his lack of involvement in the past.

Also, just want to include that after leaving him I immediately put us all in therapy and contacted the social worker at their medical office to let her know everything that was happening. We all three were diagnosed with PTSD from medical trauma and from the abuse. Their dad claims he attended individual therapy sessions and was ready to move onto to group sessions with the older kids which was recommended only after everyone received individual therapy and were given the okay. He refuses to present any proof that he attended therapy so none of that has happened and my older kids are no longer interested in any kind of relationship with him or therapy.

I am saving for a lawyer. It will take a very long time but I am doing the best I can with what I have. I have considered filing pro bono but again I am very scared of how that will go.

I’m really looking for any advice that isn’t just general recommendations but is tailored to our specific situation, in the hopes that it will give me the confidence I need to move forward with everything for the sake of my children.