i'm sick of my self sabotage hole

i've been thinking of constant graphic scenarios these past weeks but i'm so so scared of every single thing. i tried looking up razor blades to buy, but even looking at pictures of cuts was enough to make me nauseous and dissuade me from it. i feel so lost i don't know what to do. my best friend of four years just blocked me and i'm in complete shock as if i haven't been actively ruining all the people who miraculously stayed around through my other episodes. but i think this is the lowest i've ever felt and i feel just so lonely and lost and i can't pull myself out of this hole and the only option seems to be to just keep digging.