The meal is spicy bok choy noodles

I’ve spent years of my life being unwell mentally (turned out to be schizoaffective bipolar disorder) and thus wanting to be left alone and isolating but now that I’m doing a LOT better and being actually stable, I need social contact constantly. I’m not in an episode though, I haven’t had one in 4 years. I just hate being alone now. 

I’m close to my parents and see them often, 2-3 times a week, they live close. I have a girlfriend and we’ve been together for three years, been living together for two. This weekend she’s on a trip with her friends. I didn’t tag along because of money issues. My parents’ are at their cabin and I couldn’t go because I couldn’t find a pet sitter and bringing my pets there is not an option. I only have two friends, one has a child who is sick right now so she can’t hang out and the other hasn’t answered my messages. I haven’t talked to her in a bit less than two months because I was recovering from a surgery and just was not in a state to do anything. I’m recovered now but we used to be closer. She’s had her own serious stuff to deal with this past year so she has isolated herself and I try not to pry too much. 

I wish I had more friends but I suck at making them. IRL I don’t have many opportunities. I tried looking at activities that could interest me in my neighbourhood but I didn’t find anything that involved people my age and wouldn’t cost too much (like buying a camera just for a photography club). But I suck at making friends even online. I tried to make friends with other lesbians my age with whom I share common interests but even when I keep the conversation going and ask open questions, they eventually stop replying even if they seemed really enthusiastic. My girlfriend has such an easy time making friends everywhere she goes. But on my own I feel like I can’t do shit. 

I can’t seem to be okay with doing stuff alone. Reading a book, watching a movie or whatever. Earlier I went to the grocery store just to get stuff I could meal prep for the week end just to have something to do. I don’t usually meal prep. I just feel like something’s missing. I almost feel anxious when I’m alone. Ugh. 

I have such a hard time being alone even for a short time