29M. My fiancée lied about her past, kept meeting her ex, and I found their sexts. Now I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't even know if this is cheating, I'm sorry if it's not.

I'm 29M. I don't have a past. I always wanted to be a one-woman man. I never wanted to get into relationships for fun, exploration, or just to "try it out." My goal was always to marry the woman I loved and spend my life with her without ever thinking about divorce. Because this principle was so deeply rooted in me, I never allowed myself to fall in love. My biggest fear was, "What if she's not the one?" A few women proposed to me over the years, but I politely rejected them because I couldn't genuinely see a future together. After years of my parents trying to convince me to consider an arranged marriage, I finally agreed, but only under one condition—I wanted at least a year to get to know the girl before marriage. I also had other personal boundaries. I didn't want to live together before marriage, I didn't want to become physical, or share intimate moments with someone who might not become my wife. I know this sounds conservative. I know many people will disagree with it. I honestly hate myself for thinking this way sometimes. I've talked to friends, I've gone to counseling, and I've genuinely tried to get rid of these expectations. But the more I try to change myself, the more deeply rooted these principles become.

Anyway, after rejecting and getting rejected many times, I finally met a girl. In the spirit of complete honesty, I told her everything about myself, including all my flaws and my principles (which, in hindsight, probably backfired). She accepted everything. She also told me she had never been in a relationship before and that she wasn't very comfortable talking to men because of her lack of experience. She even apologized in advance in case she misunderstood my intentions sometimes. I loved that. I didn't completely believe it immediately, but after months of conversations, trust, and getting to know each other, I genuinely felt like I had found my angel. For the first time in 29 years, I fell in love. It was magical. I found myself doing things I never imagined I was capable of doing.

Everything was perfect until it wasn't. Her efforts slowly started dropping. Calls became less frequent. She rarely initiated conversations. Replies became shorter. She was suddenly busy most of the time because of work. I respected that. I admired her independence and hard work. I stepped back because I wanted to give her space, even though it hurt.

Then she started mentioning one particular guy quite often. At first, she said he was just a college friend. Then they started meeting more often, going out together, and talking frequently. Naturally, it reduced our time together even more.

One day I happened to speak with him. During the conversation, he casually mentioned that he and my fiancée had dated in college. I literally laughed. I thought, "Yeah right... you wish 🤣." I trusted her completely, so I didn't even ask her.

A few days later, his social media profile got suggested to me. It was public. There were several photos of them looking very close. I asked her. She denied everything. I believed her again.

Two days later, she admitted she had lied. They really had been in a relationship. That broke me. Not just because of my own beliefs, but because she had looked me in the eyes and lied.

She cried. She said she loved me so much that she was afraid of losing me, so she hid the truth. She promised she would completely cut ties with him. I loved her so much that, for the first time in my life, I broke my own principle. I accepted her because I wanted to value her honesty, or at least what I thought was honesty.

A few days later, I noticed she had followed him again on social media. When I asked, she said it must have been a misclick and assured me she still remembered her promise. I ignored it.

About a week later, one of her friends accidentally asked, "How was the café you and him visited yesterday? I heard it was renovated recently."

After months of piled up such incidents , That was it.I finally couldn't ignore things anymore. I told her how much all of this was affecting me and reminded her that she kept repeating the exact things she had promised she wouldn't.

I snapped and grabbed her phone and asked her to unlock it. I know that was wrong. I'm not proud of it. But in that moment, I was desperately trying to prove to myself that everything was okay.

She refused at first. She called me insecure. She said I didn't trust her.Eventually, she unlocked it.

What I saw completely destroyed me.

They weren't just talking. She had been sending him nudes. The latest one was just three days earlier. They were sexting. Then I read one message that I'll probably never forget:

"I still remember the way you smelled when we were together that night."

I didn't say a single word. I stood up. Walked away. Ignored every call. Spent the next 15 days trying to calm myself enough to make a decision.

Then I informed my parents.The engagement was cancelled.It's been quite a while now. I barely sleep. The memories replay over and over until I literally get angry at my own brain and tell it to shut the f up. Sometimes I cry for absolutely no reason. Sometimes I get angry at everyone around me. I'm suddenly losing hair at an alarming rate.

Most of all, I'm angry at myself.im trying to distract myself by playing games on phone, trying different builds on my team in various games, but regardless ,every night these questions keep repeating in my head...

Why am I like this?Why can't I just be like everyone else?Why can't I let go of these stupid principles no matter how hard I try?Where did I go wrong?Can I even call myself a one-woman man anymore?

I've already shared emotional moments with someone who isn't going to become my wife.If I no longer fit my own standards, who am I to expect those standards from someone else?

Thousands of questions. Self-hatred. I feel so small. So broken. So ashamed of being this conservative.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I want anymore.

One part of me never wants to marry again. Never wants to fall in love again.

The other part still wants love. It still tells me every day to trust someone one more time. To try one last time.

I'm constantly fighting myself.And I'm losing every single day.Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Or am I just grieving the person I thought I was going to spend my life with?