I can’t figure out why I feel this way

Not sure about this, but I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel so desperate to transition, I wasn’t like this since I was young, and all I know is I feel absolutely miserable with my body, the hair, the way my jawline is strong. I was called handsome which is quite ironic considering how I detested that (that sounds spoiled but it feels like I’m getting complimented for the reasons I hate myself), and the voice oh god the voice it’s so *wrong*

I‘m not entirely sure if this has anything to do with the Narcissistic parent (Alcoholic) who I had to take care of, but he did instill his views of masculinity onto me, perhaps confusing me? Also I do keep everything to myself, only letting snippets of my hurt out to satisfy other people worries.

But I talked it over with a friend and they asked why I think I want to be a girl, and I’m stumped, all I know is it feels correct, but I know I can’t trust my thinking or judgement, especially the rationalizations.

I do have more going on, but I’m not sure if it’s correlated, all I know is I haven’t gone to therapy yet, and perhaps that’s the issue, but some other opinions would be nice ^^ (P.S, sorry if it’s scattered or incomprehensible despite me trying to make it neat or organized despite how I feel >_> )