How can You tell if You're Playing Mind Games with Yourself about what constitutes being out of Freeze-Growth-Healing, but might be a repetition disguised as an old Freeze pattern?

I'm assuming that everyone who struggles with Freeze, has trouble with some things in terms of agency , and other things that you Do all the time, that are "Okay".

I wonder if at times, I'm doing the exact same things that are "Okay" to do, and avoiding the exact same things I've always avoided, but somehow my brain has twisted it into, "no, it's totally different.....I swear".....?

Also, works in reverse, ..........where nothing I do is enough. Telling myself, " I've done NOTHING,.. !!"

And then there's the Worth part, how Valuable I feel, and it makes me freeze harder all over again whenever I see that no matter .....what I do........, I still feel worthless....and that's really at the core of all the things I mysteriously never seem to find time to do........for myself., but I did do these other necessary things, but who cares since I never did find time to do something that felt .......like it enhanced my worth, my value.......no clue what that even means but I know it's important. I"m pretty sure that the things I "do" arent supposed to be attached to my Worth, or Value.....and doing things ....Just because I want to do them, ....is never a good enough reason.

Then there's a way something can take so long to complete, that all the little steps seem like Nothing, until someone notices-and reminds me>>>> "No, see how you were here, and now youre HERE?"

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I have certain This is Agency, I have Volition-beliefs*, but in fact they could be based on a foundation of nothing that actually constitutes actual growth or healing or meaning.

E.g.,

-I did 10 things this week, that involved phoning people I didnt want to phone, for very necessary life sustaining things. I wasn't in freeze then. (belief I told myself)**

-I was attentive to family members, for things that were caring. I made time, followed through. I wasn't in freeze then*.

-I exercised, even though I'm experiencing physical pain for certain conditions, so that's "good". I wasn't in freeze then*.

-I came up with a plan in my head as to how to approach, a large complicated project, I"ll only do this one part first, because I don't have the temperament to take on all of it at once.....when looking back, I could have done .........something...some way to prepare for the other parts, but because preparing and planning doesnt seem like doing anything, because there's no visible tangible result, I didnt do anything, just the one thing. And So........ Because it's not ............".Done"*....*no part of that counted as doing anything. Very black and white. Either finished or not finished , ether broken+ useless, or working + valuable.

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Some things might not look like I"m getting a lot done, but I tell myself it's not a race,. , I vaguely remember someone asking me what the rushing is all about? And that sometimes doing nothing, is actually accomplishing more than you think, ...but because I have freeze I worry that I'll use that as an excuse. See, I am doing something, .....you just can't see it.

Also, "Fast is Slow".....but.....if slower is faster when it comes to processing mental , emotional function, then how do I know when I'm using that as an excuse, and milking it? If I were to Judge "too fast" , I would be going by how anxious I feel while doing a task-because anxiety feels like Speed in my body-it feels like racing. I might have to 1. start putting a time limit on things, or that could go on in perpetuity, because well I'm trying not to "rush". and 2. Get more comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable, and racing internally and remind myself that being uncomfortable (anxious) is not the same as rushing, which is really tricky.

Each thing I do, I think long and hard about it, but that could very conceivably be called perfectionism, and being overly deliberate...and 'I only want it to be right" .......but I"m stuck. Each way that I'm told, "it's okay not to rush, " could be an incentive to get even crazier and more perfectionistic in my thinking.

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There's an entire section of this, where I tell myself "you cant do that, because youre too slow, too dumb", then I find out thats not true, and I have to wonder how far reaching that is? How many things am I avoiding thinking '" I just can't"...? And for that , historically everything outside of a 10 minute window that I didnt instantly grasp could be I could be Too Slow, Too Dumb to do. If there weren't the "you really have to " parts of my life, I would have never confronted that Lie, concealed in Shaming.

E.g., '" You can't do that, because it would take too long" Too long for who? The introjected negating, neglecting, objectifying parent in my head?

I have somehow managed to live my life in a way where > 1. I Give myself credit for nothing 2. Keep doing "okay" things to do, that I dread doing, but that are necessary, but kind of suck 3. Only do superficial "okay" things to do for myself, as long as their not in any way developmentally nuruturing, or personally enriching, or enjoyable.

...But tell myself , 'I"m trying" and now I don't even know if that's true. I feel like I'm blinded by something ,not allowing me to see with clarity, the motive behind what I do, and what I dont' do.