My parents were incredibly selfish for having me

Tw: Mental abuse, sexual harassment, miscarriages, attempted suicide

My parents are okay. They were good. Not great, good. They did their best, but their best was far from enough.

To say it blankly, my childhood was shit. My sister has Bipolar and I spent an entire childhood being her emotional and mental punching bag. When my childhood Nanny left who I consider my other mother, my life went downhill fast. You see, I have always struggled with severe panic attacks, depression and Autism, alongside chronic pain and physical health issues. What didn't help was the fact I was getting "bullied" at school by a bunch of kids (mostly boys). And I say it in quotations because on several occasions I was assaulted, like the time I had my nose broken in Gym class by a basket ball and the times I was sexually assaulted by them (never fully raped, but I was groped and harassed).

I mean, is it any wonder I tried to kill myself? I don't regret it at all. In fact, I regret the times I failed. While I am in a better place now, if I were to do it all again I would make sure I succeeded because life now still sucks.

Why do I say my parents were selfish? It's because of my physical disabilities. My sister has PCOS, UC and a bunch of other nasty stuff. I have SVT, severe IBS, chronic pain and occasional uncontrolled tremors.

My sister was their firstborn. She was a C-section because she got stuck in the birth canal. Health issues as a child and even now. She's on disability because she will probably never be able to work because of her bipolar.

My parents tried again. They had a son. Miscarriage. They tried again. Son. Miscarriage. Again. Daughter. Me.

My mother calls me her miracle child. She was finally able to have another child after trying so hard. Unfortunately, I can see why my brothers were miscarried; we never should have been born because they were incompatible with life. And essentially, I am too. I can't do anything physical because if I push myself too hard, I can pass out and that could kill me. I suffer from chronic pain and have to be near a bathroom. Surprisingly, if it were just the mental stuff I wouldn't think she was selfish for having me, because you can't detect those sorts of things on an ultrasound. But I have no clue why she thought a healthy baby would be possible after two separate late-stage miscarriages. Those babies weren't made to be born for a reason. And neither was I, because now I have to live in pain because I wasn't lucky enough to be incompatible with life.