I never thought I’d post here. Thought I was good. I had a girl who loved me and I’ve become a much better person with her, because I finally found something I wanted enough to light a fire, in a future with her. I proposed. With her, I found that I wanted children and a home and I didn’t want to smoke pot anymore because being present with her was the best drug I’d ever done. I got in shape. Got a new job - I make such good money now. 

Last month she’s gotten distant. Suddenly she was meeting new people through her overnight waitressing job with names that sounded fake and personalities that sounded problematic. She didn’t want me to meet them, said she was okay keeping her friends and fiancé separate. I just acted like everything was fine, and in hindsight I was in denial, and then she broke up with me. It wasn’t out of nowhere in hindsight. Still feels like it. 

Since then, her parents aren’t hearing from her for days at a time. She’s not sleeping. She sends me erratic messages. She had a history of bipolar disorder. Attempts on her life. Couple days after the breakup, which is today, I called her. Asked her point blank if she was manic right now. She paused. Then she said her decision is final, and hung up. She’s leaning into it. She’s surrounding herself with other mentally ill people and being convinced it’s alright and she wants to be convinced of that because manic-depressive people will always choose mania because God it feels good. I would know. My father had it worse than her. 

I’m mad at myself for ignoring the signs. But it’s not my fault. Denial is human. But God does it hurt. I miss her all the time. But all I can do is - and I know this is true - is move on, or wait until she crashes and be there for her then. She will crash. There’s always a crash with these things. And I’m not looking for advice. I can only live with one of those decisions, and it’s not the one that puts me first. 

Wanted to post here for catharsis. Beer for dinner because I ate a large breakfast and since I realized what the core of the issue was, trying to eat solid food makes me sick. 

The woman I’m in love with is manic and I can’t do anything to help her.