My heart aches ,I am anxious

Last year I passed 12th and I knew nothing about this neet and all .... neet application form date got pass so I took a drop ! Idk why but I wasn't serious at all coz I never really wanted to do it my main goal was to do fro bsc nursing half the year I was busy with convincing my mom with hotel managment or with house chores . ... meanwhile I started syllabus like 6 7 times from scratch everytime I used to start understood a chapter then I sued to burn out leave studing and the next time I opened the same chapter I sued to blank out what I studied.... this is how I wasted my drop year I gave bsc nursing and paramed exam too I had high hopes from paramed but idk why my roll no is not in the rest,, my heart aches now I feel like crying and it feels bad that I would have to go to a private one if my mom manages to she works as a butician salary of 7 k per month my father passed away 4 yesrs ago we have property but it's all on my father's name aur usko bechne k liye it would require dadi ka sign but then she will have her share too so atp we can't idk what to do man but I feel really bad now ! Everyday this year I manifested going ot a hostel but now I can't coz I know neet m mera 150 kuch score bn rhs h ussei kuch nih hora ! Fuck man what did I do