How can I deal with these feelings?

I am 49. AMAB. I have known in some way or another that I wanted to be female since the age of 9. I am very clear on the fact that I am a trans woman. I want to be a woman has to be the biggest, by far, visceral desire I feel. I have felt this for more than 40 years. It is like a primal hunger. I have intense gender envy and a sort of numb resigned type of gender dysphoria. This pops up in my head at least once a day, and has for those 4 decades. The feelings also do not fade with time, they only grow more intense with every passing year.

If I imagine waking up tomorrow as a cis woman I feel strongly throughout my whole body that I would cry intensely, out of what feels like relief. I guess because I can finally be myself without any fear. I can just be. If there were no medical risks, no social consequences, and no effect on my marriage, would I want to live as a woman full-time? No hesitation. If there was a button I'd be pushing it right now.

The thing is I don’t want to transition. I am very hypochondriac. I am afraid of medication and surgery. I faint at the sight of blood. I am also deeply closeted. No one IRL knows anything about this. The social repercussions are also very frightening. I have been married for 15 years.

My question is: has anyone successfully integrated those feelings and been able to be happy in the body they were given? It must exist, people who don’t wish to transition and also want to remain in the closet for safety reasons. What are some good strategies to deal with this? I think living with this has had an effect on my psychological health (anxiety, defeatism in a lot of aeras in my life, body dysmorphia as a teen, depression, etc). I want to feel good, I’ve been doing a lot of work to combat all these things. I do think the root cause is this though, and I want to figure out a way to deal with it.

To be clear: I don't want the feelings (wanting to be a woman) to stop. I have accepted that this is who I am. I accept that I'm trans. I am just looking for ways to live happily with them.

I am open to any suggestion and am very interested in hearing stories from others.