Im literally all over the place please help

27f with 27m

Im pretty sure I am bisexual, if i am not a lesbian. I have posted here before but it feels like the core fears are being a lesbian or hurting someone i really deeply care about and never seeing them again. I could be wrong

Anyways, it keeps switching between so-ocd and rocd if i really do have both of them, even though ive been diagnosed with ocd by many therapists i still dont fully believe it because i fear that i am either totally in denial of being a lesbian or i am really with the wrong person altogether

It never gets better and i just keep doing myself dirty with all my ruminating, frantic researching to try to find answers that give me a brief second of relief aka reassurance, avoidance compulsions, indecision, panic and anxiety, fits of crying...i am afraid to work like this. This just keeps happening to me and i dont see a way out because i feel like im too far gone

I am so scared to see him when i have been apart from him. I feel like i have been in mental limbo of whether or not im going to actually choose him this ENTIRE almost year and a half now of dating him. It doesnt feel fair to either of us, it really doesnt. I am alwaaaays spiraling to him about being a lesbian so maybe its really true and i cant stop flipping out

And then when i feel like ive "realized" that i am not a lesbian because of ya know...things lol, i feel like i dont even want him

I dont know how to maintain mental connection. I want it yet i dont. I am literally all over the place and so scatterbrained and as i type this i feel like i want to scream!! I am too old for this guys im so embarrassed