Losing my dad at 13 changed me forever.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe because tonight is one of those nights where I miss my dad more than usual, and I don’t really have anyone I can say all of this to.
I’m 18 now, but I lost my dad when I was 13. Five years have passed, and people around me act like enough time has gone by for me to be okay. The truth is, I don’t think I’ve ever been okay. I’ve just become better at hiding it.
There are so many moments where I wish he was still here. Sometimes I’ll achieve something, and the first person I want to tell is him. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that I just want someone to sit next to me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don’t want advice, I don’t want solutions… I just want my dad.
I’ve had to grow up so much in these last five years. Everyone tells me I’m strong, but I honestly never wanted to be. I became strong because I didn’t have another choice. There have been so many nights where I’ve cried alone because life felt too heavy, and all I could think was, “If Dad was here, maybe things wouldn’t feel this difficult.”
I still have days where I completely break down. I get anxious, I overthink everything, I have panic attacks sometimes, and I feel so helpless. In those moments, I don’t want anything expensive or extraordinary. I’d trade all of it just to hear him say, “I’m here, don’t worry.” I don’t think people realize how much losing a parent changes you. It changes the way you look at life, the way you trust people, the way you deal with pain. A part of you just never grows back.
The hardest part is watching everyone around me still have their dads. I see my friends calling their fathers for the smallest things, asking for advice, getting picked up, celebrating achievements together, and I’m genuinely happy they have that… but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt. It reminds me of everything I don’t have anymore.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what he’d think if he saw me today. Would he be proud of the person I’m trying to become? Would he tell me I’m doing enough? Would he tell me to stop being so hard on myself? I’ll never get those answers, and that’s probably what hurts the most.
People always say, “He’s in a better place,” or “He’s watching over you.” I really hope that’s true, because I’m trying so hard, Dad. I’m trying to become someone you’d be proud of. Some days I feel like I’m doing okay, and then there are days where I still feel like that same 13-year-old kid standing there after losing the most important person in his life.
I don’t think grief ever really leaves. You just learn how to carry it without letting everyone see how heavy it is.
I miss him every single day. Not just on Father’s Day, not just on birthdays or anniversaries. Every day. There are so many things I still want to tell him, so many moments I wish he was here for. Five years later, I’d still give anything just to hug him one more time.
I don’t know if anyone else here has lost a parent this young, but if you have… how do you deal with the feeling that a part of you left with them? Because after five years, I’m still trying to figure it out. ❤️