Had sex for the first time since I left my abusive ex

TW Mild abuse discussion

My ex being the last person to touch me in a intimate way has been haunting me for a long time.

But at the same time, I was terrified to have sex again. It’d been almost 2 years (I only left a year ago but I stopped having sex with my ex a long time ago)

I have lupus, scars from abuse/mental health, scarring from lots of things. So I was scared.

My ex would call me gross,disgusting,fat and make fun of the issues with my body. So I was so scared to be vulnerable and open in that way. Almost always after sex she’d pick a fight too, which is why I stopped having sex with her completely unless she guilted me into it.

Sex with my new girlfriend felt so safe and she communicated with me so well. She let me know when things felt good/when it didn’t. She’s a total power bottom which completely matches the dynamic I love best. She also praised me and told me how beautiful I was after, which was so stark in comparison.

The best part was DURING sex, I didn’t think of my abuser at all. I was terrified leading up that id have a panic attack.

It truly felt like making LOVE, which is something I didn’t even realize I’d never experienced before. It was soft and gentle and exploratory in comparison to rough,kinky and passionate (which I do like, but it was just a entirely different vibe that I’m glad I got to have)

And when we fell asleep after I felt the absolute safest I’d ever felt in my entire life. I cried before I fell asleep simply because I was thinking how nice it was to fall asleep with someone and not be terrified (my ex often picked fights/would get violent at bedtime)