Source
r/NoFap•
LevelUpMaster

Don't brow beat yourself

What the crap is up fapstronauts? I've been struggling with this simple concept for so long and I thought I would share my experience because I see so many of you making this same mistake.

Firstly, I am not talking about healthy criticism. Healthy criticism and analysis is sometimes required to see that something can be fixed. Like realizing that you need to start NoFap.

What I'm talking about is the constant putting yourself down for a perceived failure. I think you all know what I'm talking about. Whenever we have a failure such as PMO, for example, or for me when talking to a girl, we have this idea that if it doesn't work out exactly how we wanted then we failed. We cringe, we get upset, we tell ourselves bad thoughts such as "why was I so stupid?" "why am I wasting my time?".

Here's the solution, I call it the "At least" method. First, acknowledge and accept that you didn't get your desired result. But at least you had some success. You didn't get the girl, but at least you had the confidence for the first time in years to talk to a girl. You PMO'd but at least you lasted some time before you did. And then you'll realize that your goal may have been unrealistic in the first place and that you're proud of your accomplishments already. Those times when you have little successes are the times you are a giant. Strive to have more of those.

TLDR: Don't put yourself down for what may have been an unrealistic goal, but instead look at what you have accomplished. And keep pushing forward!

Posted Jan 9, 2014, 6:23 PM UTC · edited

5415
nofap490518 days•

This is excellent advice and a great way to move forward. Thanks for posting this.

2
AFwuertzen297 days•

Completely agree - probably somewhat of a cliché, but very few people are able to make the jump from A to Z without first making smaller steps, such as A to B. Overall, it's the smaller steps that are essentially the bricks and over time you recognize where cement is missing (e.g. why you're still having to reset your badge after PMO).

For instance, I realized that while computer usage is necessary as a student, I can install programs such as ColdTurkey or K9 that provide the cement for me to keep on adding bricks in slow progression.

Anyhow, glad I came across this insightful post. Best of luck fortitude and mental strength to all of you!

2
[deleted]•

'At least' method. Nice. I like that.

2
hrc101•

Yeah I agree. Asked a girl out today. I was pretty awkward and stuttery but I looked her in the eye and she said yes so I have no reason to complain!

2
[deleted]•

I see the same thing myself. I used to do this when i joined nofap and it is a huge mistake. The mistake of starting to hate yourself when you "fail". The point of doing things like nofap or quit smoking, coffee and getting in better shape or whatever you want to do, is not to start hating yourself, it is to better yourself.

And people like myself who struggle with social anxiety and talking to girls or whatever. If you believe that you can't talk to women(or men) because your badge shows day 1, You should probably rethink your approach to nofap.

2
bigern77•

Brow beating oneself ultimately has a practical purpose. Being hard on yourself for failure, i.e. feeling really guilty or pissed at yourself about it, means that future failures have a good chance of being averted, merely to avoid the suffering produced by the guilt or being pissed at yourself. Every subsequent failure makes one even more pissed at oneself. Eventually you stay the course not merely to succeed in the endeavor, but simply because you're tired of failing and experiencing the corresponding disappointment. I've noticed this in fact is how I operate. And it works.

1
LevelUpMasterOP897 days•

It means in the future you won't try again. If you talk to the next 10 girls with the expectation of having sex right there and then, do you think they will have sex with you? The answer is no. Maybe some of them will give you a phone number. It's clear that you set the criteria too high. If you put yourself down and feel pissed at yourself you're more likely to not to talk to the girls again. But at least you got the number right? Yes you did. That's an accomplishment that you can be proud of. That's what I'm talking about. It's very easy to brow beat yourself but it's only hurting you. If you do that then you're running away from the world.

2
bigern77•

I thought it was obvious that we are discussing this specifically in the context of failure to stop doing something. Of course my assertion doesn't apply, when taken out of context.

1
ValoKnight9131 days•

Thanks, this is great advice. It's taking the positives from the challenges we encounter, to empower us... and recognising progress (no matter how small) towards our goal!

1
[deleted]•

Thank you, I needed that

1
90hardmode77 days•

Reject the behavior, not the person.

1
nomorefapforever127 days•

I agree with this. You cannot dwell yourself in your failures, rather you get up and learn from it so that the next time you do it you know exactly what to avoid and what to do.

1
MillionDollarFace151 days•

great advice

1
NoIdeaJustOneName6 days•

What the crap is it ? Sometimes, depreciating oneself is called "depression" and it's not easy to overcome.

But you're right : your "At last" method is good, always try to be positive !

1
DiscerningDuck480 days•

what the crap

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