Am I an EIE? Or something else?

Found this questionnaire online:

Personal concepts

1. What is beauty? What is love?

Baby, don't hurt me... don't hurt me.... no more....

On a serious note tho, I would say beauty is love and otherwise. I really hate the concept of beauty as purely physical norms and standards and to that I say maybe I am ugly, so what. Are you all scared of a girl ignoring your lame ass beauty industry propaganda? Good. Does it make you uncomfortable? Good. Examine yourself, your believes and stop obsessing over some wrinkles for fucks sake.

What I really find beautiful is when sometimes I manage to catch a moment. I often feel out of my body so when I finally feel present and notice how the sun shines on my friend's face and she looks so happy I genuinely want to cry. Beauty is how the world looks like when you simply exist and love.

2. What are your most important values?

I actually took a workshop once during which we had to cross out values from like a huge list of abstract values. It was so fun, excruciating to be forced to cross out something really really important, but you had to go from like 50 to 3. I got truth, dignity and self awareness.

3. Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?

I think everything is connected and we are the universe and the universe is me and I am the universe experiencing itself and all that. I like to think that after death the soul disintegrates similarly to the body, just mixing up with the world, becoming one with everything, feeling at peace and at home. Why do I think that? Idk, man, have you seen trees? How could I not think that.

4. Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?

Fuck it, fuck all of that, I don't care for any rational reasons or whatever, the only rational thing is not to make an entire industry on suffering and death.

Real power is being able to protect people, have an impact, and influence others. Strong will and intellect. Actual wisdom collected through the years and being happy to share it and guiding people instead of disrespecting and humiliating them.

Interests

5. What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?

People. I love people, sociology, philosophy. Why do they act like that, where are we going, who am I, how do you see me, am I a part of this or not? How similar are we? Why do you act like this? I often compare and contrast people and their behaviour, guess things about them and try to figure out if I was right. I'm often very analytical about all that and people tell me to stop being black and white, stop trying to define, categorise and explain everything. Apparently I'm thinking through what others are just doing and feeling. I also studied theoretical mathematics for a long time. It fascinated me with the abstract and like ultimate truth or whatever, like you build the system, an abstract language and it's pretty much as pure logically as it gets. It's universal. And also some people think I'm the most intelligent person alive (I'm not), so that's nice.

6. Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?

I love good medicine talk but it's more about playing a detective and scanning for dangers. Nagging people to go check something out. Trying to (once again) guess something and then check if I was right. I like collecting information too. And it makes me feel good when someone has a health issue and I can suggest a reason and point them to a specific kind of doctor that can help with that. I'm quite paranoid about all that tho and I would rather stop thinking about my body, I'm just too scared of missing something.

7. What do you think of daily chores?

They make me depressed and I'm not even joking. Fuck it. Fuck all of that. I have to make food 3 times a day only to shit it out at the end??? How do people have time and energy for all that? I'm always behind, always frustrated and it never gets easier.

8. Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.

When I was a teen I loved all books that had weird social set ups with casts or categories you could then identify with. Houses in Harry Potter, Greek Gods in Percy Jackson and other universes like this. Even Hunger Games.

Now I read a lot of nonfiction, mostly about societal issues. Recently I have been into the relation between community and space and how that plays out in the cities.

I watch a lot of TV shows. My ultimate favourite is Gilmore Girls. I also love Orange is the new black.

9. What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?

For some reason, I can't stand watching people get disappointed. I want to gauge my eyes out when I see someone so excited only to get all sad in a second. Tbh I can cry from pretty much anything that I can relate to and I can relate to A LOT of things. Feeling united with people makes me cry happy tears. What makes me smile? This is harder to answer because I'm just mostly frustrated all the time. Probably mostly cracking jokes with people. I love trying to contain laughter in a situation I really shouldn't be laughing (like a uni lecture in the first row) to the point I start crying with someone and we need to leave. This is great.

10. Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?

I don't feel at one with the physical environment. I'm always uncomfortable. With people, it's mostly groups focused on a similar set of values, having common rutines. I always joked that I would become a nun if they weren't religious and conservative. Which is generally what a nun is, I know, but man, the outfits and eating together. I bet they sing a lot.

Evaluation & Behaviour

11. What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?

People often complain that I come off as harsh and judgmental, especially at first. That they would be scared to approach me on a street, that's what I heard recently. I think I just look overstimulated and angry too often but I can be very sweet too.

I hate that I can't do shit. Everything requires effort which I cannot make. I hate being so out of touch with everything. I would love to make myself dinner without wanting to scream out of frustration and boredom and exhaustion.

12. What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?

I really don't want to answer that, this bores me. Idk man I'm smart and can always find a way out of the situation. I like my creativity and the ability to analyse deeply, to make sense of things or uncover things that are stupid.

13. In what areas of your life would you like help?

Food. I'm starving.

14. Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.

What does that mean? English is not my first language and all I can find is something weird about animals. But I generally feel stuck in everything that you can possibly get stuck.

People & Interactions

15. What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?

I like honesty and intellectual stimulation. I want people to keep up with me mentally, I like banter and jokes. I hate overly optimistic people, it looks so fake and I can't listen to them going on and on cheering for I don't even know what. I realise how it makes me sound, maybe I am a Grinch but overly positive display of emotions make me feel like someone is mocking the life in a very stupid way. Or maybe I'm just a sad person. I also hate when people just talk about what they did and what they saw. Stop describing your activities to me. This is so boring and I try to be nice but it is so insanely boring.

16. How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?

This is complicated, I feel torn between wanting total intimacy and feeling violated when I get it. I like flirting that is borderline fighting. I want someone smarter than me or at least as smart as me. I want a struggle, I like teasing, I like when I try to play some weird trick on them and they see it all and turn it against me. Fun stuff. If it's easy I don't want it. If it's too gentle I don't want it.

17. If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?

I really can't feed even myself, so that would be a concern. This bores me again, I think I would be a great mom emotionally and mentally, as in talking to the kid about important things and all that, but I can't imagine the physical and organisational effort it requires.

18. A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?

Depends if it's in the category of basic human rights and dignity or not. If we both think that people shouldn't die on the streets but have a little disagreement about how to help them, than I'm happy to have a discussion. But if someone thinks that they should die because they hate them, then I'm sorry, what are we supposed to talk about. Your absolute lack of soul? Your inability to get your head out of your dumb ass and look around?

19. Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.

A lot of push pull. I am very individualistic in nature but I also want total belonging. I almost never feel like I'm a part of something but I want to, really. Prevalent social issues? Inequalities and power dynamics. Half of the institutions are built on some primal idea of me big you small. People abuse their power all the time.

20. How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?

I don't know how I choose them. They happen to me. I want mutual respect, fun and intellectual stimulation. I behave silly, I make a lot of jokes, a lot of word playing and repeating the same joke over and over again until they catch me right before I say it one more time and say "shut up". I want to be inspired by them one way or another. I try to get to the bottom of their problems, analyse everything and by simplifying what they say get to some kind of ultimate understanding of the issue, which in my head is often equal to finding a solution.

21. How do you behave around strangers?

If I want to be there? I'm quite open, I make jokes. I often say things without thinking and then die inside. I can be socially awkward so I tend to put on a persona of a weirdo, so that they think I'm intentionally eccentric and not just weird in a bad way. I often come off either too strong and scary or too infantile, cute and chaotic.