Screaming into the void

No one is going to read this but here I am once again on a Saturday morning seeing my unread messages of people I’ve tried to reach out to.

One more weekend where I’m basically begging for people to hangout with me.

It’s different people too. When they do respond they enthusiastically tell me they miss me, I try to make plans, either they accept and cancel last minute (this happened to me 5 weeks in row with different people) or they just accept and don’t try to nail down a day and say something vague like “I can’t Saturday” but then when I ask when they can they just don’t respond. It is always on my to message first and make plans.

It’s been years of this and I’m just so exhausted of constantly chasing people.

I used to be someone with a bunch of friends and friend groups growing up. Always surrounded by people. When I came to the US I went to college and I was again surrounded by people.

Now I’m in like mid 30’s and I work from home in a very demanding job so I rarely get to see people. I live far away from most of the people I know so I would have to travel an hour to go anywhere.

It slowly happened where more and more people would just stop trying to message me the less I was on social media.

I rarely post and it seems people just either forgot about me or would really rather not bother to hangout anymore because they would have to go out of their way to message me if they only posted the event on social media.

The thing is I really like myself, but this has taken such a hit to my entire being. I’m just so tired.

I’ve tried to look inward, to figure out if this is an issue with me. I’m not sure, I don’t think anyone would tell me if I asked. I wish someone would just tell me something is wrong with me or if I’m doing something wrong where I’m scaring people away. I don’t know what to do.

I’m not an introvert, I don’t have social anxiety, I would even say I’m pretty charismatic, outgoing. I talk to everyone I can and I try to make them happy. But ugh I don’t know wha to do.

I’ve struggled with this for years. I’m now trying to go to meetups with strangers to meet new people but it’s so exhausting going through the same cycle of meeting someone for them to ghost later on.

I just want friends who want to hangout with me :(