Letting this out of my chest because its been more than an year and I'm going insane

Hi , this is going to be personal so please don't judge me🥲

So let's go back in time 1.5 years back Im in class 12th studying at my local coaching centre and everything is going well until I meet this boy . He's a year younger than me but studied the same class as me. He joined the coaching centre a lil late around October and I've been there since April . When I first saw him I knew he was going to be something imp in my life I don't know why but when I looked at him I just fell in love and I have never loved anyone like this basically he's my first real love or whatever u call it . We used to see each other whenever we had classes together we never talked or shared any conversations when we used to see each other and I don't remember us talking like normally I couldn't gather the courage to talk to him and he was just not interested.I believe he was shy at first but made friends in our coaching mostly guy friends he was never that talkative or have internet there tbh nevermind let's go to the point one day very randomly I downloaded snap chat and saw his acc there as someone new on my notification bar it was his acc and it was new . I sent him the request because I had a crush on him and wanted to see what he would do , he accepted my request and added me after that we used to send each other snaps everyday ( we still do to this date) and one day I sent him my photo as a snap he opened it and saw it twice ( I remember everything clear details to this day 😭) and I was happy dont know why another day I sent him a song and he reached fire 🔥 emoji on it and then I texted him about the song he said " u have a good music taste" and then we started talking since then it was 6th Feb 2025 when we started to talk and then we switched to insta soon but we never met each other tho I knid of regret that decision I should've met him once nvm I was waiting for him to ask me out on a date but he never did and I kept going and talking to him . I have never seen him before even tho he lived in my neighborhood like v close to me , but when we started talking I saw him 4 times and then I left the country. I only saw him never gain the courage to talk to him I remember I waved at him once and he did too. That was the only time we saw each other back to the topic it was going well from both of the sides like the talking stage type he used to send me romantic reels and was showing interest in the beginning and said that u are the best person I know in my life ( I'm crying while writing this now ) nvm and I was losing my mind because he soon was leaving India for his graduation he left for another country ( I'll not say which 1 tho) he left in aug 2025 and I confessed my feelings to him In April ( 30th April) and he had the AUDACITY to say "I'm v proud of u" for saying this ( I know I should've known but , we live and learn) he said he was proud of me and I asked him what do u think he said " hmm, same" wtf same 😭😭 I was so in love that I IGNORED all the signs . After the confession everything seemed to be different for no reason it was good in the beginning for like 2 weeks and then he stopped texting me and he basically never reached out first ever again but he used to send me snaps everyday 😭😭 🙏🏼 we stopped talking for a month and after some time he left for another country WITHOUT telling me anything about this . He just sent a snap of the airplane THAT'S it nothing else no communication no bye and all just a snap streak 💔💔 it broke my heart tho I was going insane I couldn't sleep , eat or do any other things normally without thinking about him 24/7 after few months of no contact I still had feelings for him and I tell my friends about it they said if u are feeling restless than maybe u should go and talk to him .I did , I texted him in November and he replied within seconds and said" how are u doing " like nothing happened I said I'm doing fine , after I confessed my feelings to him I have never talked about that ever to him to this day I don't talk about that thing to him because I felt stupid tbh . He was there for a few months and I was surprised that he just didn't recognise me anymore but he still talks about " I want to get into a relationship v bad" even tho I said I LIKE him and he also said I LIKE U TOO but he never made me feel like it . I never felt liked by him truly he used to follow random women online and liked their pictures and even had the audacity to send it to me and used to say " she's so pretty" to my face over text I ignored I didn't say anything to him . I never asked him to unfollow anyone or do something NEVER but I wanted him to be considered of me . He never cared and processed to send me mixed signals, liking my stories and saying u are pretty and all . Mind you he looks decent like he's not even that good looking for his attitude ☝🏼☝🏼nov dec went by new year came and Nothing honestly changed his behaviour he was inconsistent and never reached out first always me who texted him . It's july now and he still sends me reels here and there but never texted a damn message I was sure that this isn't going anywhere and I should move on and go w life but the thing is I can't seem to like anyone now there were so many men who asked me to be there gf but I said no because I was subconsciously waiting for him to change his mind and maybe ask me out but I was wrong he never cared about me nor liked me infact he bullys me emotionally knowing damn well that I like him he says something or does something to piss me off and I don't even say anything to him in return. I wanted to share my experience. I always thought that loving someone is the purest human emotion but all I felt was paranoid and I questioned my existence since then . I wanted to love him and he seemed to be interested at first but I don't know what happened. Now that I don't have that kind of feelings for him anymore but I don't seem to like someone else or have the courage to love someone new in I want to move on but I can't . He doesn't communicate or have any interest but he keeps me around and never chooses me . I know this is a very embarrassing thing to experience but I never knew this could be me . I just wanted to experience my love and to love someone that I admire at some point in life . I look back all I see is me being desperate for him and him being cold towards me . He still sends me reels sometimes and texts me but I don't want to talk to him I don't have the courage to block him or say directly to him about my feelings, because when I talk about my feelings to him he seems to be ignorant about it . I said a billion times to him what makes me hurt and he still doesn't care . I want to move on and never talk to him again but Im scared of losing him losing what we could have been . I know I sound stupid and I should've stopped it from the beginning there were so many signs but that's the thing about life sometimes u gotta go through hell to know what hell actually is 😞☝🏼 I still somehow have feelings for him in back of my mind and I know he felt it too sometimes but nvm we live and learn . I remember every conversation we ever had and everything about him . I don't know what is there for me in the future but it scares me that he won't be there in my life it breaks my heart 💔💔

I'm writing this so I will know what I was going through at sometime in my life and want to feel free through sharing my experience of how I felt about loving someone for the first time.... I can still talk to him anytime I want but I don't want to it's just not that same anymore each passing day I feel bad for myself for even choosing him at first Pont 💔💔 but nvm it is what it is

Don't judge me 😭🙏🏼 I'm only 19 and give me some advice what should I do in this situation