all still stings but i’ll be okay

this is my first time posting on reddit so i’m a bit nervous but i decided to give it a go since i feel like i need a secret safe space and maybe just someone to talk to that is not of proximity to me in real life. i’ll try to not go into so much detail since i’m afraid someone i know will find out about this post.

my ex and i broke up in 2024, so nearly two years ago. we were together for five years but our relationship already started to hang by a thread by the second year. he went through a lot of challenging personal events that year and soon after he started to abuse me. he would call me names, berate me, manipulate me, and insult me constantly, and although he was never physically abusive, he would punch walls and other surfaces in front of me that would leave him bleeding and i would have to watch and apologize for causing his emotions to erupt. the insults would then worsen and become more severe as the years went by. i’ve dated and had flings, but this was my first ever serious relationship, so of course, naive little me didn’t want to give up on it so easily. i stood by him, defended him, and continously forgave him even though he never properly apologized for anything until after the relationship was over.

but towards the end, i started to stand up for myself, but not because i had self-respect, because at the time i clearly didn’t. i only started to stand up for myself in hopes that if he was confronted with how he’s been treating me, maybe he would realize how wrong it was and change for the better, but i was wrong. i gathered all the evidence i could get and showed it to him, only for him to tell me that he’s already aware of how verbally and emotionally abusive he is but that i deserve it and that i’m the one that needs changing.

long story short, the relationship became unfixable and ended after five years, which for me felt like a milennia of desperately trying to survive and make things work, but ultimately i came to terms with the fact that it’s okay for some things to come to an end. it’s okay to let things go. shortly after, i noticed that i became overweight throughout the years and that my facial skin was absolutely horrendous. it took me a few months to get back up on my feet and i eventually managed to get to a healthy weight and my skin is clearer than ever. now, i am in a very happy and stable relationship with my current boyfriend. my friends and family love him and his family loves me too so all his well and i couldn’t be more grateful.

however, i still find myself heavily affected with my past. the social media i consume, the movies i watch, the books i read— every time i see something in relation to verbal/emotional abuse, i tend to freeze up and my heart starts to race, sometimes i even start crying from how overly anxious i get. my boyfriend used to get confused about this but quickly realized that this is probably a response to the trauma that i accumulated over the years and thankfully was very understanding.

when my ex and i broke up, i remember telling him in frustration that what he did to me changed my brain chemistry. i will 100% consider myself happier now than i was before, but it breaks my heart to know that i am not the joyful and hyper girl that i once was. i am not the girl with a care-free spirit anymore. it feels as though a big part of me was killed.

and what really stings for me is losing a good amount of friends. after we broke up, i initally didn’t want any of our friends to take sides, but i couldn’t stand how he was getting so much support especially when no one knew how he really treated me all these years, so i told them. i got all the evidence and showed it to them but it didn’t do anything. only one person reached out to me and comforted me but the rest decided to support him. that’s how i knew it was time for me to leave that environment entirely. his current girlfriend even saw all the evidence but didn’t really care for it..to each their own i guess.

it’s rough. i no longer have a lot of friends but i still have my loving boyfriend, my family, and the few friends i have whom i know would always be there for me and maybe that’s all i really need. im thinking of going back to therapy since i find my trauma creeping up to me nowadays during these times of stress since i’ve just been working constantly before i head back to college for my last year.

if you’ve made it this far into reading this, i really appreciate it. although my life is MUCH better now than it was years ago, i still find myself struggling from what was done to me. healing from abuse or from anything really is not always going to be linear and perfect and it takes time. i hope all those who are going through abuse currently or have gone through it in the past will manage to see that there is still goodness out there for all of us. wishing everyone the best ❤️‍🩹🩷