24 [TF4M] #Czechia - Right-wing conservative man for SFW chat about MtF transitioning?

When feelings and identity are confusing, it may be hard to put them into words properly and in a concise manner; I will, however, attempt to do that. Perhaps I will jump around too much, but hopefully, the resulting text shall have some semblance of sense...

I am a cis gay male in my mid-20s, or at least I am living as one. If I were were asked whether I am a feminine or masculine man, I'd probably answer... neither? I am definitely not feminine presenting, nor any of the kind of gay men you'd call a twink; I dress male, present male, yet I am also far from a stereotypical masculine man. My behaviour and interests are both masculine and feminine in some ways.

I fully realized I am male-attracted in my early teens, although of course, there were earlier signs of my attraction to males I recognized the meaning of only later. The feeling of not understanding what other boys felt towards girls, panicking at the question of "which one do you think is prettier?", the fluttering in my stomach upon seeing a bearded, muscular knight on the TV, or a tall, hunky policeman patroling the streets in his uniform - it all made much more sense when I realized I am a homosexual.

Having grown up in a tiny town, I had no opportunity to have any sexual experiences until I moved to the capital of my country at age 20, and I was left to my own imagination to explore my sexuality and attraction. I realized very quickly I am attracted to men who are masculine, more masculine than me, and despite not having experienced actual sex, I understood myself to be a bottom right away, and of course, when I could begin dating, I sought out connections with masculine top types. Despite what you might expect, I didn't really enter a "hoe phase", not really - I just went on dates or even hook-ups from time to time, but nothing excessive, no "living through what I missed", to be honest.

However, as time went on, I came to feel less and less attraction to homosexual males, to the point I actively stopped dating or meeting with men at all. I am still attracted to males, absolutely and completely, but there is something different about homosexuals and heterosexuals, and how they approach and treat their partner. It is often said that homosexuals, even in male-male relationships, often recreate masculine-feminine dynamics, and it is true for me, I suppose, or at least I realized it was something I was chasing but never really got. I had three different relationships which were to some extent serious and lasted at least a few months. Each left me feeling empty and unfulfilled and I searched for a more "feminine-masculine" dynamic each time. The first man was a top and masculine, but we had a very equal dynamic and there was no trace of him treating me as the feminine partner; with the second, we had a more submissive and dominant dynamic, but I realized I hate that too. That dynamic revolved completely around sex and I was still viewed as a masculine partner, even if submissive in bed.

The third one was interesting. We had an actual feminine and masculine dynamic, he was a pretty succesful man with a huge workload on his hands, and expected me to fill the role of a girlfriend in many ways. But still... I knew I am still a man and viewed by him as a man, and by others, too - just a man who accepts a woman's role. I felt quite uncomfortable with myself for that reason - I enjoyed the feminine role, but I deeply disliked being a "feminine man", if that makes sense. Even in romantic and sexual dynamics, I would always remain a feminine man, he'd never wake up looking at me like his girlfriend, I'd always be his boyfriend, even if we had a somewhat traditional dynamic. Safe to say, it didn't last, either.

It's been about two years now since I stopped dating and mingling with gay men. I have suffered a lot of gender confusion during that time, despite never having taken any steps to transitioning or even crossdressing, nor really planning to. I present in a masculine manner and I am not drawn to being a feminine man or a twink at all - but I began to fantasize about being a woman, a normal, heterosexual woman in a relatioship with a traditional heterosexual man. In sexual dreams, I only ever see myself as a woman, in my imaginations, fantasies. When I dream about being in a relationship, it is as a woman. But I don't feel like I think of myself as a woman in normal, everyday life, I suppose?

I tried to reflect on where these feelings may stem from. Is it what's called gender dysphoria? I don't really feel disgust towards my male body, at least in relation to myself. I do however feel disgust at the way my male body presents me to others and creates societal and personal expectations of presenting and being viewed as a man. Is it some internalized homophobia? Perhaps. I feel like I desire to be normal and heterosexual, but "becoming a woman and marrying a man" feels as a much more desireable way to end up there over "suppressing my feelings and marrying a woman despite zero attraction to women". And of course, rationally I realize that undergoing a transition would probably invite even more judgement and rejection than being in a homosexual relationship (although, I have had a few opposing thoughts about the fact that in the case of a succesful transition, it could be more intense at first but not permanent, once I am fully viewed as a woman and not clocked, while being a man with a man is visible forever. But I also know I could probably never bring myself to transition as I don't have the courage to deal with all the arguments with my family and the way it would disrupt my personal life.)

Don't think, however, that this consumes me all of the time... I lead a happy and satisfied life, I have a broad social circle of amazing friends (mostly straight women and straight men - barely any homosexual males closer than an acquaintance) and enjoy life, my career, gaining the experiences. My life has however become completely without intimacy and romance and I am often reminded of that in public. When I see I couple of a masculine and feminine gay man, however, I don't really feel anything, perhaps even some ressentiment; when I see a heterosexual couple, I envy the woman. It doesn't have to be just "two hot young people" - seeing an elderly heterosexual couple makes me envy the life they must have had as a man and woman who loved each other.

I suppose that's it - I have no idea about what these feelings are. I wonder what people here think. Who knows, perhaps naming what's wrong with me can help me deal with that more effectively, accepting myself in my current form better and improving my romantic life, or even stepping over to the other side... Or I'll just accept the status quo, the path of least resistance. Just enjoy being myself and accept I'll never be able to feel right in a romantic relationship, but there's also nothing wrong with being myself in all other settings... I suppose there are many people who just don't see being in a relationship as something for them.

It also occured to me to mention that I do have some fantasies about becoming a woman, perhaps the "waking up as a woman" fantasy. Although I suppose I do even subconsciously accept the reality of being a natal male, as my fantasies I do become a "trans woman", I suppose it is too difficult for my subconsious to imagine me not having had the experiences as a gay male I have already had. It feels like a progression, rather than wanting things to have always been different.

I suppose I am slowly realizing I am attracted to men in a straight female manner, not homosexual male manner. But what to do with that? How to solve it?