I FEEL INSANELY LONELY.

I’m a 20yo girl and I’ve never had any long-lasting friendships since kindergarten and I’ve never had a boyfriend because I’m extremely shy and anxious and live in a muslim country. I talk to a few people online they are good people and I love them but I still feel lonely.

I live in a toxic, religious Arab household without a father. Ever since I became an ex-Muslim my biggest dream has always been to run away to another country and spend the rest of my life there living freely without a hijab without shame

All of my muslim childhood friends don’t talk to me anymore no matter how much I try to reconnect with them, I haven’t even told them about my decision yet they still don’t like me especially Yousef he doesn’t like feminists

So today I finally arrived at my dorm, I’ll only be here for 40 days for my summer semester and I already feel lonely like, truly lonely.

I’m trying to convince myself that when I finally run away and start living on my own I will find the love of my life, someone who will make up for the affection I never received from my mother and father, but today I realized that this will NEVER happen and that I have to get used to being lonely for the rest of my life

At the end of the day I feel like I’m simply unlikable and that no one loves me whether they are family, friends, or partners, and I’m not even that beautiful. I’m flat and skinny I don’t even feel like I have the right to want a rich, good-looking man who truly loves me and gives me the best life possible, and even if I eventually make good friendships I will still feel lonely.

If I try to be logical and realistic, sometimes there simply is no happy ending. That’s why I hope I D peacefully soon, I’m not going to K myself, but I genuinely don’t want to live like this anymore I’m tired I’m so tired.

And it’s not like I’m certain that I will actually run away I’m still studying and I still don’t have enough money to do it It’s just something I daydream about every day to reassure myself but it’s all in my head, even if I did run away it definitely wouldn’t be exactly as I’ve always imagined it