I Think i am bi and would love to explore thats side but i have mental disorders and i do not know how

Hi all!!! I am a 43 year old chubby dutch guy. I am married to my wife 43. I think i am bisexual or even maybe a kind of gay. Non of which my wife knows. When i am horny i am looking for cocks. I love to see a cock squirt its cum. I love all cocks. Big and small. I would love to play with them and somebody plays with mine. I even think i would like a cock in my ass.

Now here is the problem. I have mental disorders due to sexual abuse. I have a anxiety disorder and multiple depressions. My anxiety disorder makes me vomit. I always have chewing gum in my mouth. So i am afraid i cant suck a dick. Also i find it very exiting to meet up with a guy. That makes my anxiety disorder work up.

The depression makes me feel worthless. So i do not have a good image of my self. I hate myself for being chubby. It came from the meds i gained weight.

Any one got any tips for me ???