The list is too long.

My head can't wrap around what I wanna do and what not. Because the thing is I wanna do everything and nothing at the same time. 

I wanna study law 

I wanna study medicine 

I wanna become an author 

I wanna become a politician 

I wanna work at isro

I wanna work at a small bakery 

Background is that currently I am doing economics from DU. Do I like economics? Yeah probably. Do I understand economics? Umm maybe? 

I wanted to do criminology 

It had no scope in India 

I wanted to do psychology 

Soon realised it's better for the patients that I don't (Well it requires patience and with my patience I might become a better patient than a psychologist) 

I wanna speak 5 languages (I speak 2) 

I wanna have every little knowledge about the world, past, present, future, every sector, every timeline, every painting, every novel, every revolution, every invention, every country, every policy, every mountain, every galaxy everything.

I wanted to be Sherlock Holmes 

I want(ed) to have knowledge about everything 

At one point in my life, I actually did know lot more than kids my age, but then it started to hurt. The excess of knowledge made my brain and heart hurt because of how painful everything was. So I stopped learning, I stopped keeping up with news, I stopped learning new things, I stopped my curiosity, I stopped googling random questions, I stopped asking questions.

I am ashamed to look back at my past self who was much more capable than me. 

I no longer know who I am, where I am, where I wanna go or where I wanna be. 

Why? Because... I wanna do everything and nothing at the same time. 

I loved writing. I always thought writing will solve everything. I tried it again today. Tried to write everything I wanted. 

But the list is not yet complete and my head is still not cleared. 

I am the sole expectation of my household. 

Everyone is waiting 

That I'll do something really great one day. 

My grandfather asks me every day, how are studies going... what will you do in future... are you doing any course with your degree... you should try teaching career... or how about banking... can't you become a doctor now? I heard he went abroad to study... what happens abroad? 

My father has been the sole bread winner for the family of 10 people including my uncle's family od 3 and my grandparents. 

But suddenly my uncle feels he should trample over my father who has brought food on the table for 10 people since past 20 years. But my father is too innocent and serving to say anything. 

My elder sister doesn't care about anything. She is out with her friends boyfriends most of the time giving another headache at home. 

My brother doesn't really understand the importance of studies yet. 

Wait... this wasn't what the post was supposed to be about. I got too carried away. (Had to change the flair from other to vent 😭) 

So... yeah... I dont really know anything. I will be starting my second year this july and I don't really know where to start amd where to not. 

My breakdown was preparing for ipmat 

Before cuet, I prepared for ipmat and jipmat and iim rohtak... couldn't clear any 

The trauma from that intense prep and still couldn't clear any of it... maybe that's what halted my life. I wasn't THIS blur headed before. 

Since that time, I dont think I have been able to settle at the fact that we need to go back to how we were before the ipmat prep... strong headed and confident... really confident that.. kuch to Kar hi lungi zindagi me itna bharosa hai mujhe khud par 

I haven't seen that confidence from past one year. The confidence I built in myself for 17 years was gone in 3 months.

Maybe that's one reason I am afraid to go for any competitive exam in India. 

Can't I just go to Antarctica 

I love cold 

I can just sit there with my head in cold water of the glacier and pass away quietly (don't worry I ain't suicidal 🌸) 

There are lot more things I wanna write but again... this was not the intention of the post 😭😭 

Ps - the post wasn't supposed to be this long but yeah it became eventually 😭

The point is... I wanna do everything