I’m in love (?) with my best friend and don’t know what to do.

So I (20m) have a long distance best friend (23 m). And by long distance I mean 20 hour plane ride, opposite sides of the country, three hours behind kind of thing. It’s been going great and really the time zones don’t make things too difficult for us, but for the past few weeks I’ve been catching feelings. And not like, slowly thinking ‘oh he’s cute’ I mean crying in the bathtub because he’s going to a gay bar.

I’m the kind of person who’s been in a fair few relationships, and nothing has felt like this, which I know sounds cliche. We make so many jokes about it- I refer to him as my husband, we say I got him pregnant and we “co-parent” our cats, etc. but then he’ll also sometimes joke about leaving me or getting a divorce, which is so confusing.

He’s also mentioned when watching shows together that he thinks people under 21 are young. (My birthday is less then two months) but then in the same call, he’ll say he ‘likes my face’ or that I’m ‘really hot.’ He’s also stated he does not like ldrs- which I really don’t either. But in this same conversation he said when he was for his masters he’d look for a college near me.

We also sleep on calls together as he says I help with his nightmares, and we spend every night on calls together for multiple hours.

The other things is I have BPD- which means I get very attached to people and have a very strong fear of abandonment. He knows this, and he also has stated that he has fears of abandonment and basically said ‘the only thing that could ruin our friendship is if you left me’ but I feel like this would ruin it too?

I’m just not sure what to do, or if there even is anything I can do. I don’t need to be in a relationship, especially if he doesn’t want an ldr, it’s more the uncertainty if I ever have a chance that’s eating me alive. Like I want answers and certainty, but I don’t want to ruin anything.