So scared for my mom

My mom has been chronically ill for a long time with cancer that she thought she had recovered from that later spread. These last few years have been hard but manageable. Recently it’s been unbearable. I woke up on my birthday to my dad having to call an ambulance. She was in the hospital for 2,5 weeks and has home healthcare now. She can barely stand up. She can’t eat and she is on oxygen. She became so sick so fast and I don’t understand how it happened. My birthday is cursed and I feel guilty for even THINKING about that. My parents are trying to protect me and aren’t telling me anything, I’ve tried talking about it with them but it’s not helping. I feel like I’m genuinely going insane and have thoughts like “if I cut my family off now I don’t have to deal with the aftermath”. Which I know isn’t true.

I just feel so guilty and scared all the time. I’m angry and I’m sad that I am angry. It’s just awful. This all happened very suddenly, I don’t know what will happen in the future but I’m just wondering what the next steps for me are because I don’t have any idea how to care for myself through this. I live alone and they barely want me to visit because I assume mom is scared too and doesn’t want me to see her like that but I genuinely don’t know what to do.