Am I just reasonable?

Uhm hello, this will take long to read, its kinda messy but I hope you guys understand it, english is not my first language :>

Also, sorry it took too long, I nagged it all🥲

Hello I'm f18, a worst daughter & student, for a long time I've had this problem and it's affecting me, ever since I was a child I've been a disappointed daughter, I always failed my mom in every possible way, this year is my 4th school since enrolling at senior high, 2 years I go, I've been into 2 school, and I moved to another school because I can't take the course I took at 1st school, and so decided to transfer, then, the class was hard too, hah thinking of it now am I just being reasonable? So back at it, I've decided to drop out, and I started getting depressed and having anxiety and anxious going out. There's days that I've harmed myself too, it's not that bad, I don't know. So after that, the next year, I thought, I was doing better, and I go to school again, like, I said to myself that I finally do it, but then again I dropped out, those 3 school I've been, I only got to go for like one week, I even got friends at those school, but I ghosted them, and just dissappear like a ghost, and again this time, I did it again. I'm the worst, and this time, I don't know what am I gonna do with my life, I'm supposed to be in college now, I fucking hate my life, why have I done those things? Back again, as what I was saying, I've been a worst student, and have difficulty of learning and I'm lazy. My mom helped me in every possible way, but I'm stubborn and don't want her help, this is me ever since I was a child, and in school I'm doing really bad, throughout my life in school, I've been having an Fs, I felt so ashamed of it, and the thing that always gets on my nerves, how people backhanded compliment me, like they said, "It's okay, even if you're not smart, you're still pretty". Like I've been ashamed, how I'm beauty without brains. I'm so sick of myself being like this, like sometimes I wonder, what if I just killed myself? I've been having this thoughts for like 4 years, but I'm afraid to do it, though I've hurt myself, but I also have reasons, I can't leave my mom and brother, we're just the 3 of us, my dad already passed away for almost 5 years from now. But the thing, there's times me and my brother fights, I'm immature, and when that happens my mom sided with my brother, I mean he's still a kid, he's 10, and my mom said pretty hurtful things to me, like how I'm already 18 and she can kick me anytime she want, and said how I have something else like, psycho? and it's making me crazy, like how can I survive if that happens? I can't survived on my own, but she only said it, because I've done bad things, but she's a great mom. I know, she had enough of me, but she can't get rid of me, after all, I'm still her daughter, I know deep in her heart that she still loves me.