Notes after my first 10th Planet no-gi Jiu-Jitsu class

I went into my first foundations class expecting to learn techniques.

Instead, I ended up learning a lot about how my own mind works.

A few things I noticed:

• My instructor mentioned I was strong before we started. My first reaction was to wonder if she was just setting me up to humble me later. Then she demonstrated a technique on me and I felt completely helpless. She wasn't using brute force. She just had perfect control. It made me realize strength and skill are completely different things.
• At the end of class she said I'd done well. My immediate thought was, "No I didn't. It's literally my first class." Looking back, that's a weird expectation to have. Why do I expect myself to already be competent at something I've never done before?
• During drilling my partner asked what came next. I wasn't sure, so I asked the instructor instead of pretending I knew. She explained it, we kept going, and nobody cared. It reminded me that most of the embarrassment I feel exists in my own head.
• After class I had a slightly awkward conversation with the instructor and replayed it in my head all the way home. Realistically, she probably talked to dozens of people that day. I'm almost certainly the only person still thinking about it.
• I also noticed how often I was trying to interpret everyone else's behavior. Do they think I'm incompetent? Are they judging me? Was that person being dismissive? Then I caught myself. Maybe they're just being themselves. I know I often avoid eye contact when I'm thinking, and it has nothing to do with the other person.
• One pattern became really obvious. My mind is constantly preparing for psychological conflict. It expects disrespect, judgment, or rejection before there's any evidence. That's a much bigger challenge than learning submissions.

The thing that impressed me most wasn't the techniques.

It was my instructor.

She was patient, respectful, and even asked for consent before demonstrating a technique on me. A few seconds later she had complete control over me without using unnecessary force.

That combination of kindness and competence left a much bigger impression than intimidation ever could.

I signed up because I wanted to learn jiu-jitsu.

Now I think each class is also going to be practice in catching the stories my brain automatically invents.

Maybe my real goal isn't becoming the strongest person in the room.

Maybe it's becoming the calmest version of myself.