You already know don’t you.

Yo, I bet you know most of how I feel. I asked you out quite a while ago, not terribly long but long enough to be in recent memory. The level of smooth you have dealing with stuff like that always amazes me. I’m also easy going in those regards as I waited until after I left your place to die inside realizing I just got rejected by my friend and how is this friendship going to survive and why is it always the same. It wasn’t though, you were very nice about it and talked openly. Respect. I’m sure you can tell, especially last time we hung out, I still feel for you. I wanna be sweet on you without sinking into that feeling of longing. I tell myself I already have a relationship with you, that I already have the honor of being one of your friends, and get to hear your voice. An outsider may even accuse you of leading me on with how friendly you are to me, but that insults the both of us as you aren’t leaving me high and dry, you take care of me in your own way, and I choose to keep you in a special place in my life. It ain’t like you’d really like being around me all the time. Anyways I feel like you already know this and how I feel, that you are just out of my reach, like I’m a kid and I gotta ask for a cookie from a cookie jar on the top shelf. I only get one, but one is all I need to remember how sweet it is having you in my life as a friend, one of these days I’ll be right where you need me and I’ll be so proud of both of us. Before I either delete this or post it and then delete it or just keep it posted I wanted to talk about this idea only I think of, a sort of game I play in my head for a long time to help me understand where people I’ve been attracted to in this way fit in. I call it the wedding game, as I get to know people like you, I place us at different places in the wedding to see how it feels and a test almost to see if I’m being honest with how I really feel. Like maybe instead of being the one getting married I’m a best man or bridesmaid, oh wait no I’m not the best man or first bridesmaid now I’m the priest. I’ve thought about not even being in the wedding but I’m invited and late. I’ve thought about objecting, just to make a joke about how you and whoever you are marring are just too good to be together and the world will blow up if they get married. I like that game cause it helps me stop being so serious and self loathing when I fall in love. I’ll be less mixed up when things do start to play out, where you meet that person and this era of life is over. It’s clear I don’t have a choice and that game is done. Thank you for everything, I am 20 million times a better person than I was, you deserve to be cherished your way. Ok one more thing I thought of, that scene in the SpongeBob movie where Plankton opens the drawer in a file cabinet and says “I’ve tried every plan from A-Y!!!!” And he nearly blows a vessel with how stressed he is. I’ll have to try plan Z.