God grant me the serenity ..

To accept the things I cannot change .....

I can't change the horrible things I done to you.

I can't change that I met violence with more of the same when it should have been love.

I can't change that Ive been hurt, damaged before we had a chance and that you were too.

The courage to change the things I can......

I work hard every day to change how I look at the world and the people in it, and to not judge others for the current state they are in.

I am working towards changing my career to one where I will actually do good for communities that look a lot like the one I grew up in.

I changed my whole perspective on what's healthy for me, although the cigs are winning today.

And the wisdom to know the difference.....

I can't make you talk to me

I can't figure out what happened this last time, and may never.

I can't erase a lifetime of love, tainted with some toxicity and feel any other way than love for you.

But I can accept that you are broken just like me, and don't always know what to do. That our story is one with incredible highs and depths that others only see in movies. I can accept that you're not perfect and neither am I. I can accept that labels freak you out and if we communicate we can find someplace in the middle.

What I'm having trouble accepting is why you shut down on me when I wanted to show you, thought I was showing you a different side of my self. One that very much always wants to do the right thing. I don't want to cause anyone any pain anymore. I've done enough damage to you and everyone else in my life simply from my addiction never mind my selfish self serving ways. I just want to be able to talk to you. That doesn't mean anything but that. Ni hidden agendas. No manipulation. Just loving compassion and understanding. I hope that some day really soon you decide that you would like to say hello. I'm not gonna pressure anything and just say hello back. Truth is I'm a mess without the one person who I give a shit about having an opinion. And yours means more to me than anyone because I know you always had my best interest at heart even when I didn't. I know u thought that you were doing what was best when you pushed me away I wanted to come home. I'm sorry that I hadn't gotten far enough into how I actually felt about everything to be able to....stay. I asked God that day that I was supposed to leave to send me a sign whether or not I was supposed to and I got a deafening NO! Then why did I say to you"don't worry I don't want to come back"? Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why couldn't I have just said it's ok. I know you're scared shitless and so am I. Because although I love you you scare me. The thought of never being able to share myself in some capacity scares me. And idk if I can do this without you in my corner. Maybe that's what really hurt the most that it didn't seem as though you wanted me j. Your corner. I'm not perfect and I don't wanna be. That's God's thing. All I want is you, and it doesn't have to be as anything but just someone I care for and love more than anyone that isn't my kid. Idk why TF I even downloaded this app except in the hope that you'd feel comfortable talking thru here? Can we please have a truce. I don't want to feel anyway about you except the way that I do.