i still carry the shame from one exam

I've never told anyone this because I'm still ashamed of it.

Back in my second year of university, our core subjects had just started and I was completely lost. I had always been a topper in school, but suddenly nothing made sense anymore.

My boyfriend at the time was a serial cheater during exams. He'd copy entire pages, write answers on his calculator and eraser, and somehow never got caught. The day before our toughest exam, I couldn't remember anything. He told me to make cheat chits, so I did.

When the paper came, I barely knew a couple of answers. I hid the chits under my leg and started writing. The invigilator got suspicious, called the head of the exam department, and asked me to stand up. The moment I did, the chits fell onto the floor.

I was humiliated in front of everyone. My paper was taken away, I had to sign a statement, and meanwhile my boyfriend continued cheating without getting caught.

I locked myself in my hostel room and cried for hours. My friends made jokes about it, I couldn't tell my parents, and ten days later I had to appear before the disciplinary committee. They warned me and let me go.

I know I deserved the consequences because I chose to cheat. But what still hurts is how I let myself become someone I never thought I'd be. I wasn't just caught cheating, I lost respect for myself that day, while the person who pushed me into it walked away like nothing happened.

I still think about it sometimes.