I don’t deserve love

I don’t deserve love.

I think I should stop thinking about organic encounters. Theres no way anyone would find me pretty, or beautiful…. Even attractive. I guess looking at the pretty girls in insta just solidifies the fact that… I’m just not it HAHAHAHAHA

Yeah. I can’t even imagine myself cuddling with someone, being vulnerable to someone. I find it hard to believe anyone would ever even consider that.

Consider me

And I hate that I was always clinging to hope. Hope for what? What exactly? What am I trying to achieve? Why am I still hoping? Its easier to give up than hope. I always hope but then where does that lead to?

I always get hurt.

ALWAYS

Its time to stop hoping.

Sometimes I wonder when I’ll be tired of being constantly disappointed.

Its time to try harder at giving up.

I won’t be disappointed by giving up.

Its not like anyone even wants me. I’m not even worth lusting over, let alone being loved.

I don’t need advice, I probably won’t even listen if there are any. To be frank, I find it cringy to hear anything positive in regard to me, my appearance, of whether there is a prospect of someone loving me.

I don’t want to hear that someone out there will find someone like me attractive or lovable. I already grew up in an environment where finding love is one thing, but maintaining love is another. I’ve seen love break people, leave people behind. I’ve seen how love changes in a blink of an eye.

If I’ll ever find someone who will love me, is there a guarantee they will stay in love? I’m taught that as a woman, I have to always have my own money so a man wouldn’t look down on me, wouldn’t shackle me down, so that I’ll always have an escape.

I want to be tired of love.

I’m tired now, but I know I’ll be hopeful once more in the near future. I don’t want to be hopeful anymore. I want to stay tired.