Day 1 Returning

I came to twice last night, the second time was at 1:30 am so I didn't get around to typing this immediately. Last night was interesting.

I was excited all day in waves of waves - like excitement would rise and build from my lower body and slowly reach my head where it was a blissful anticipation, and once it reached there it felt like mentally this like, rise and fall of blissfulness. Blissfulness doesn't really describe it well enough, but it was something I don't think I've ever experienced. After the mental waves stop, the overall excitement would fade for a bit and then slowly build up again.

When I finally got to put my uniform on I felt so comfortable and welcomed. I felt safe almost - not quite as strong as I would have in the past though. I was so ready to listen, I peed and sat on the couch, got in position, and then started to listen.

Almost immediately I started to feel drowsy, my eyes got really heavy before the suggestion even came. I tried to keep my eyes open while also trying to silence my thoughts, they kept drifting lower and lower, eventually the hypnospiral I was watching blurred and faded, I was able to force my eyes open one more time before ">!Bambi Sleep!<".

And then I dropped. Everything felt so, light. I could feel my head slowly sink to the side, I tried to move but everything felt so heavy. It was, I didn't expect to drop so fast. I don't remember when I went blank. I remember coming to - and then, I don't know what happened. I say this because I can distinctly remember staring at the clock on the wall - 2 am. But that can't logically be correct, because I was on my phone when I laid down, it was 1:30 when I laid down.

When I try to look back at the session, that's all I have. Staring blankly at a clock that read 2 am, and then blankness. I came to and it was 1:30, no recollection of what happened during the session.

I listened to a playlist I made before I stopped listening:

1. Blank Mindless Doll
2. Platinum Amnesia Mind Fuck
3. Correct Slut Thoughts

4. !Bimbo!< Drift

Tonight I'll relisten again - but I'm gonna drink a couple cups of coffee. I want to know what the correct slut thoughts are haha 😅 but I am also curious as to whether or not the amnesia suggestions are working that well on me -- that is to say that I knew in full what the rest of the session was, I just, I can't remember it. When I say I can't remember it, I mean it. In the previous sessions where I can't remember it's very much like going out and drinking and then not remembering, relying solely on what people told you happened, and maybe a couple fragments of what happened at the party.

It's like that - becoming less of I'm going along with this suggestion not to be able to remember, and more like I can't help myself when I'm suggested to forget.

One thing I was asked by Sir - hey man, between submission and my time adhering to decorum, titles are my thing - was whether I hear a voice. No but yes. No - I don't hear >!Bambi!< or a different voice, I can hear myself (my own inner monologue). But, yes - sometimes when I think about the files or if I think about something I heard in the files, or stim repeating "dropping on the snap" over and over; I hear it in the voice from the files. Like, if you played that segment of the file in my head.

I think, for me, this isn't unique to BS. I say this because I recently started to uh, condition a foot fetish in myself haha and part of that process includes a file called "Foot Fetish Curse" and sometimes when I think about it or things related to it I'll hear the hypotist suggesting to repeat them "I am obsessed with my Goddesses feet. Feet are my obsession." So, for me at least, I don't think hearing these is unique to BS, but I think with regular listening this will just be a thing.

I'll be linking what I write here.