It seems like he never really wanted to know me to begin with, I simply filled a role in his life

We dated for 5 months. The early stages were magical and respectful. But I started to suspect something was off after the first month of dating. I got a weird feeling when he started telling me things that seemed too good to be true, saying things like “I see a future with you”, “You’re my person”, “I was waiting for you all my life”, “I’m not going anywhere”. I would ask him how he knew these things and he would say it was just a feeling he had. 

All the while he was repeatedly brushing off small bids for connection that I would initiate. When I would say something genuinely heartfelt, he would respond “That’s sweet” and nothing else. It is as if he was emotionally flat and resistant to engaging with me when I would try to be sweet and cutesy myself.

I suffered for a while, seeing how inconsiderate and inattentive he was to my needs. That was until we got into our first fight about 4 months in. It turns out that he is an expert at DARVO, claiming to be sensitive and hurt every time I’d calmly express my feelings. He asked me repeatedly if I was upset to the point that I have to console him. He admitted he struggled with empathy and putting himself in others shoes. I knew by that first fight that it was hopeless. He claimed he hated conflict but I think it was because he avoided it just like he avoided his feelings.

It was somehow the most emotionally shallow relationship that I have ever had. When he talked about breaking up during our very first fight I realized there is barely anything keeping us together emotionally, likely as he prefers. Everything we do is through experiences. The deepest discussions we had near the end were conflicts that turn into him analyzing me and telling me that I need therapy. He told me I need to love myself before I can love him, which I was trying so hard to do in the first two months but it feels like my heart is calloused and shrunken from the repeated times where I tried to get through to him whether it be deeper conversations, heartfelt statements, emotional gestures, public gestures to claim him, etc that would fall flat and not be reciprocated. Every time this would happen it was like a part of me would die inside. I was truly at a great point in my life when I met him but I think my self esteem suffered with him somehow.

I came to realize too that I had no interest in him as a person. He became boring and shallow. It was strange because when we first started dating I was so excited to be in his presence no matter what we did. I remember a car ride home being more fun than the actual date itself because of our little conversation and dynamic. But I think as time went on, and I started closing off emotionally, I started closing off to wanting to know him as well. 

I knew it was a red flag when he couldn’t even name what exactly he likes about me except for the ways I make him feel. It’s like he never wanted to know me in the first place.

When I met his mom I realized why he is the way he is. She is so self centered that in the two days we were together, not a single question was asked about either of us. She had not seen her son in months and yet all she did was talk about herself. She even walked off from us several times into traffic without looking back at all and kept walking like she was going to leave us. When I later asked him about this, he got defensive and insisted that it was normal for some families to not ask a single question about their child and that this is how is family is. In the end, I communicated to him that I am concerned for him in terms of having a support system because he seems alone even if his family members are physically present with him. I could see in the span of two days that no one cared about him and it made me sad for him.

We broke up not long after. It was repeated conflict following how he treated me on a trip abroad, neglecting me for a coworker who wanted to meet up with him one-on-one for dinner. Their relationship was inappropriate in several ways, so I exercised my boundaries but every time he would have excuses to defend or “explain” himself. Why it was not like that, why they were just friends, how she had a boyfriend herself. I can’t help but wonder if it was related because we were ‘supposed’ to meet her the next day. 

At first I think I weakly tried to save it. I think it stemmed from losing his companionship because I’d be lonely again. Then I told him honestly that I had been emotionally checked out for some time due to his lack of reciprocity. That I struggled to see a future with him because I was unhappy. That I worried for him with his family dynamic that I observed and hoped he could find a better support system. I know it was inappropriate but I just blurted it all out because I had been dying to say those things for months.

And now I sit here confused how someone like me who craved to be deeply known ended up with someone so flat. I know I became emotionally closed off early on after several of my attempts for more emotional connection fell flat. He claimed he couldn’t be himself within the relationship but neither could I. I wanted to be silly, happy, and in love. The lack of emotional reciprocity turned me into a bitter and resentful person by the end.

He later admitted what I thought—his interest had faded somewhere along the lines and he was caught up in the initial excitement and that he might have felt pressure to settle down because of all of the people around him getting married. I think that’s why I could tell that he didn’t truly want to know me. It sucks but I think there is someone out there for me who will actually want to know my personality and not just claim they love me because of what I do for them.