In my 30s, finally found peace with my high-functioning ASD husband, but childhood trauma and my mother are draining me. Need perspective.

I am a woman in my 30s. After many years of marriage—most of which left me feeling upset, lonely, and financially stressed—my husband and I finally saw a clinical psychologist. We received an unofficial diagnosis that my husband has marginal, high-functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

While I recognize he is incredibly smart and can solve problems most people can’t, living together is highly challenging. Financially, he only contributes 1/4 of the rent, which has caused me long-term stress. He is constantly out for "work" because he pours 1,000% of his energy into everything, returning home at midnight completely exhausted. He also eats terribly (high-fat, high-carb foods), which makes me worry about his health. However, after all the struggle and therapy, I don’t feel angry anymore. I realize I still love him. He shows me love in his own way, shares his unique world with me, and has truly opened my mind.

The hardest part of my life right now actually stems from my childhood. My dad, who was incredibly kind, wise, and loving, passed away when I was 14. He left me with my mother, who didn't know how to love. She was envious of me, demanded a massive amount of attention, and held a strict traditional hierarchy where she believed she could do whatever she wanted. She used to steal my toys to give to others as gifts, constantly screamed at me, and always called me an "unfilial" (不孝) daughter. I remember crying every single day back then.

Today, I am quite stable in my career with many opportunities ahead. Compared to many, I am considered "successful." But financially, things still feel a bit unstable, and mentally, I am completely exhausted—mostly because of my mom.

She has become much nicer now; she doesn’t scold me, speaks gently, and even buys me dinner for my birthday. But it all feels superficial. I don't know how to describe it, but I constantly find myself on high alert around her. I feel the need to protect myself and avoid seeing her too often. Meanwhile, she expects me to visit frequently, treat her to meals, and take care of her.

This relationship with my mother brings back so much pain, and I’m at a loss for how to handle it. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you deal with a parent who caused you trauma but has now "changed"?