Feeling lost

I (35M) am feeling pretty lost these days.
My wife (36F) been married 11 years with two kids under 10.
Not sure what’s going on. Maybe we’re just growing apart. Maybe it’s something else.

I appreciate you reading oh dear Reddit stranger and fellow human. I’m hurting here. I tried to be brief but failed haha.

We work, and sure we do the kid, house, finance things with the usual ins and outs / ups and downs.
I do majority of cooking and cleaning, make sure bills are paid etc. she’ll do a little more kid / life admin.

I get the whole parenting season.
But it just doesn’t feel like we’re in this together anymore.

She blows up at me at minor mistakes and is, simply, mean about it. She gets overwhelmed by mess but doesn’t make extra effort to combat this - I do most of the physical household duties.
It makes me feel shitty when she has a crack at me.
I discuss this is and she simply does not lean in, cuddle or say ‘oh babe I’m sorry’. It’s always, always defensive - I didn’t mean to, or repeats well you did such and such (my silly mistake), or I’m sorry you felt that way…

She spends most of her free time scrolling.
Would rather scroll than interact with the kids these days.
Been that way for a few years but now she may not make eye contact if already using or pick up phone mid conversation! She says ‘I’m busy’. And she’ll regularly scroll in bed first thing and every night before sleep. So there goes cuddles/quiet chats.
Intimacy comes and goes.
So yeah, second best to her phone.
Like, I wanna be the light in her day you know.

When we argue, I try to be constructive, I listen and work on my mistakes- she goes for the emotional jugular - ‘if you don’t like who I am, leave me then’. (I saw a counsellor for that particular style of communication of hers)

When I point out her abrasiveness, distance or lack of connection - ‘I don’t care’.
When she spirals and withdraws (usually it’s triggered by parenting overwhelm) she shuts me out, goes back to bed. When I ask what’s going on ‘I don’t know’. She needs time to figure it out. But she doesn’t actually try to…

I want to hold space for her as she goes through these tunnels (thanks Nagoski!) but I need to know she’s going to actively work on this stuff.

It’s like the kindness, the fun and the zest for life has evaporated and I’m now pouring from an almost empty cup onto the hotplate.
And it’s just not cooling down.

My kids are noticing now too. (The hours she spends in bed on weekends, her moodiness, her attitude towards me / them).
I often give her sleep ins on weekends.

My youngest said to me today:

-I prefer daddy put downs

Why?
-because I like you more than mumma

Why?
-because I feel safe with you.

I’m kinda dying inside.
I love her but I don’t feel loved.
I know she’s not her best self but she just won’t help herself.
She provides but I’m her emotional punching bag.
If things stayed like this I don’t think I want to spend my life with this person.

If I tried to explore how I feel (hey I might actually leave if this doesn’t get better) she’ll walk me to the door rather than sit down and talk.

I’ve also tried to lean in with extra daily TLC (every single day!!) I’m talking heatbags, massage, making sure her bedside water is topped up, encourage dates when we can (she’s not interested..), make her extra snacks, write love notes for her lunch at work. She doesn’t reciprocate.

TL:DR
Marriage looks great on paper.
Don’t know if this is a bad season or we’re genuinely drifting and my emotionally unavailable wife has checked out for whatever reason I can’t understand.
I’m happy to invest more energy but I’ll admit I’m running on empty.
I can’t give more on a hope.
My wife won’t do therapy/ work on her own shit unfortunately, only indirect from what the kids and I have done/been through (we’re neurodivergent).

I asked her today ‘overall, do you like me?’

She paused. Her reply ‘I think so’ was as warm as a stone at the bottom of a winter’s river.

I don’t know where to go from here…

Anyone else been in this kinda spot??
I don’t want to leave cos of the kids. At least not yet…