This was from last night : drinks, pretzels, a questionable hotdog and later on taco bell while I bleached my eyebrows and cut off all my hair (it holds memories right?) 

I’ve been thinking so much about the breakup in these last few days- and I really think we were doomed from the start. We had too much of a tumultuous start, and when they were at their genuine lowest, I walked away from them because I recognized I could not be their entire ecosystem of support and they needed professional help. Well flash forward a few months later after we got back together, and now the shoe is on the other foot. Now they hit me with the “I love you so fucking much but I can’t do this”- after a weekend of calling me avoidant, a liar and making connections from the past to now  in more ways than one. We jumped back together way too soon, selfishly so. We both sat on the phone just crying going “I don’t want to do this” and they’d add “but I really have to trust myself and be proud in the choices that I make and believe this is for the best.”   
I was told by the people in my life who have known me for over a decade that it’s good that we are broken up right now, because I’ve become a person who has been fundamentally changed by the trauma and grief I’ve experienced in the span of a few years, with this year hitting a complete head with me losing my car, cutting off my mother and then watching my cat die in my arms, all within two months (December and January of this year), and I’m not who I once was.   
I was told “I miss the old you, and the more you continue to build yourself back up? I’m sure they’ll be back with us soon” - I’ve never felt so goddamned gutted. I became a person not worth staying for,  person who went from being a trusted protected to being told “I can’t believe what you say anymore because you are so inconsistent with the things you say you are going to do- that I have to use my own discernment at this point and I just don’t believe you anymore” — so yeah, I’ve set myself up to get the help I need and they are hopeful that we will still want to be in each others lives come September for this concert I invited them to while we were together and birthday concert tickets I bought them for October. Do I think we will still want to be in one another’s lives? I doubt it. I was hopeful for it, but as we have stopped talking and are “going to check in closer to the show” I doubt it. They stopped liking me as I was long before the breakup and I noticed but did nothing about it because I thought I had the time to work on myself, I mean it’s been a handful of months since everything just flipped (literally) for me…but every argument (we had four really intense ones last month into this month) was a significant cut on my borrowed time. Tale as old as time, even when you set the intention of wanting to stick it out for marriage and build a life together, sometimes the pressure and reality of your situation will make or break yall and it fucking broke us. 

5 days after the breakup