Help me prepare to be sad/disappointed

I’ve been ruminating on a conversation, or lack there of. I know that I shouldn’t do this, and that it’s not productive, but here I am. I am trying to mentally prepare for the sadness and disappointment that may come.

I have an older sister who has 4 daughters. There is a big age gap between my sister and I, so I’m closer in age to my 2 older nieces. I grew up close to them, and we are still pretty close even though I now live 3 hours away. Anyway, my second niece, M, just got engaged. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she mentioned that M said that they are planning to get married this October. I texted M to ask her about the date and she said that they are planning “a tiny backyard wedding” for early October, then maybe doing something bigger in the future. Cool, that’s what I did. So I reply “let me know if I make the invite cut!” And that was the end of the conversation…

The logical part of my brain knows that my family is notoriously last minute. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave me a week heads up about something important, like a whole wedding. She also wished me a happy birthday 2 weeks late. I’m worried about work and giving enough notice to take off, but I can put in for the time off now and either go home or just have time off if I’m not invited. The other part of my brain feels like I’m not going to be invited and it’s going to be devastated. I don’t have a big family so if I don’t get invited I’ll be the only one left out (I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have my parents there and I don’t have other siblings).

I’m recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, and while it’s amazing to have a diagnosis, a better understanding of myself, and medication to help, I keep thinking about what my life would look like if I had known sooner. Would I be the same person that I am now? Would I have the same life and career (I moved away for school and work). Would I be closer with my family so there wouldn’t be a question of if I would be invited? There are so many days that I want to blow up my life and do all of the things that undiagnosed ADHD held me back from. Part of me wants to run away from everything I have now (minus my kid, he gets to come along), and the other part wants to run home and apologize for leaving. Feeling like I might not make the cut within my own family is really messing with me. It feels like I did something wrong and am as unlovable as I feel sometimes.

I’m going to put in for the time off and hope for the best I guess. I might make a contingency plan for a girls weekend with a friend in case I don’t get invited. Then at least I’ll be at a spa or something and not wallowing.

Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.