I didn’t realize how sexually invisible I’d become until I decided to leave

I recently posted in the divorce subreddit about the conversation my husband and I had ending our marriage.

One thing I’ve been grieving more than I expected is how sexually suppressed I’ve felt for years.
I was always fishing for compliments because I rarely felt desired. I bought lingerie. I initiated almost every time. Over the years our intimacy dwindled until we’d sometimes go months without sex.

When we did have sex, it was incredibly one-sided. I gave him oral almost every time we were intimate. In nine years, he returned the favor fewer than 15 times. I had fewer than five orgasms our entire relationship.

When I asked him to slow down or try something different, he often said I was criticizing him. Eventually I stopped asking. We never explored different positions, toys, or anything outside the same routine. I kept hoping things would improve because I loved him and believed he just lacked experience.

The hardest part was the cognitive dissonance. I’d occasionally get compliments or attention from other men when I was out, but none of it mattered. The only person I wanted to feel desired by was my husband. Validation from strangers couldn’t replace the absence of desire from the person I loved.

I’ve had healthy, passionate relationships before him, which almost made this harder. I knew what mutual desire felt like, so I kept hoping we’d eventually find our way there.

For those of you who left a dead bedroom, what was it like rediscovering your sexuality and confidence? How long did it take before you stopped feeling undesirable and trusted that someone could genuinely want you?

TL;DR: I recently decided to end my nine-year marriage after years of a dead bedroom. We often went months without sex, intimacy was largely one-sided, and I had fewer than five orgasms during our relationship. I’m grieving what I lost, but I’m also hopeful about eventually rediscovering the confident, desired version of myself.