Is this incest? (long post)

28/F, I am sorry if this sound incredibly oblivious from someone almost hitting 30, but I hope it makes sense why I want to figure it out.

I grew up incredibly sheltered, my father was in his mid 40s when my mom was 19 or 20 when she had me, they are living together but not married. My mom is largely not in my life nor care about what me and my family does, so it's usually just my dad and I.

My father always kissed me and my sister on the mouth all the way until maybe high school, when I was about to turn 18 is when he felt it was inappropriate and stopped, but he tend to push for a kiss if I want to push away. The memory becomes fuzzy because it was so long ago, but it was a habit he has to blow on our stomachs and lay his face on my ass to blow air as like a funny thing all the way until maybe middle school. We tend to be in our underwear and not fully dressed since he never taught us that's inappropriate.

I wouldn't say he purposefully showed me porn or explicit material when I was a child, but I know what type of women he likes and I know what rape is around 5 or 6 years old, because he likes watching non-consensually recorded sex tapes without earbuds or volume down. He would tune down volume for 5 minutes then after he thinks it's fine I can hear the video again. He would kind tell me these stories where his past girlfriends wants to fuck him but he only do no-condoms, and if he creampie-d people then he'll stay because he wants to brag its the right thing to do. He'd talk about cunnilingus in front of my uncle and I and when my uncle try to shut it down he'd say I am buddy with him, which I thought I was at the time.

(Sorry for the wording, I'm using the words he said in front of me.)

Around I was 16 he told me without me prompting if I turned 18 I could see him and mom's blowjob photos, at 18 he told me it's inappropriate so I shouldn't see it. He'd say things like daughters are the brides of father in the past life and he'd joke that I was in love with him until also around 18.

The issue is that I don't think he abused me in the strict sort of sense, he fed me and he gave me quite a bit of money whenever I wanted, I didn't get raped (at most it was him touching my ass as a joke but never the front), I don't know how to categorize what I went through but I found that I still question it whenever those moments replay in my head.

Therapy is unavailable to me because I already have chronic illnesses and if I have what they categorize as mental illness too it will mess up my insurance forever, but I had tried them out and I found that they just don't really tend to know how to react.

I felt bad I developed a coping mechanism where my sexual fantasy and intrusive thoughts now tend to include the rape he exposed me to (where I'm the victim), people had found out before and thought of me as this person that condones it, I don't. I don't really know how to deal with them and I don't know if airing my entire family history out is necessary, but I felt awful that I cannot make these hypersexual moments go away when what happened to me is even potentially that bad.

I'm sorry this come across like rambling, I wanted third party to read what happened to me and measure it more subjectively.

My friend working in therapy related field was worried for me bc I have lapses in memories mid conversation and I act almost like a different person when I can sense I get triggered, so I want to be able to figure out something about it myself without having to rely on him every time.