I feel guilty for my reactive abuse towards my abuser

Hi all. Just needing to vent. Or get some clarity? I don’t know. Sorry if the story seems a little jumpy or confusing I genuinely cannot remember some moments. I have BPD and major depression, as well as previous ptsd from another relationship. I was in therapy and continue to be.

I was in an abusive relationship for two years. When we met he made himself out to be someone he definitely wasn’t (as most abusers do) and of course I fell for it.

I moved in with him quickly, after about two months, and the abuse started shortly after. The first instance was we went out, and he got upset with me while we were at a gas station in a not so great part of town and he took my car and left me there alone, and then proceeded to hit a curb and pop a tire on my car. I had to call someone to come pick me up.

A week later he threatened to shoot himself and brought a gun out and I got scared and called a friend to pick me up since I still wasn’t able to drive my car. I went back.

We were fighting in my car at one point once I got a new tire and he was yelling in my face and I pushed his away and told him to get out.

Fights were happening frequently by this point and at one point he did put his hand on my throat, and choke me. then later apologized and said it was an accident. (Of course I know that’s a lame excuse and didn’t excuse his behavior as an accident) that same week he broke a glass table and slapped me. I slapped him back. And then I moved out but I continued to stay with him, only seeing him on my days off. This continued for about 5 months

During those 5 months I find out I’m 20 weeks pregnant. I never gained weight, or stopped having periods so this was a shock. Of course I couldn’t morally have an abortion, so I kept it. I moved in with him close to the due date and gave birth not too long after. I suffered from pretty bad ppd. And his abuse got worse. He threatened to shoot me, he kicked me in throat, he called me names, pushed me around. I would snap at him at the smallest annoyances. I would call him names and belittle him.

There were times I would try and end my life, and he would record it all, so he could show the courts I wasn’t stable enough to be a parent. I was put on a mental health hold at one point because I too threatened to use a gun against myself and he called the cops. when I got out I was not doing well. He yelled at me at one point and told me I need to grow up and think about his feelings for once. I became such an angry person. I would roll my eyes at the things he said, call him stupid and an asshole and whatever else. And I feel guilty for all the times I yelled back, or the times I did put hands on him. Or for putting him through the trauma of my suicidal tendencies. And I’m scared he can use this all against me. I’m scared of losing my baby.

One day I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, and while I still lived with him trying to get a job and find my own place (I was a SAHM) I came home not even two weeks after the relationship ended and he was sleeping with someone else and I completely lost it. He tried to stop me but I apparently kicked him in the leg multiple times (I don’t remember this) and I did break some of his things. He left with the girl and I took our baby and I left to live with my parents. He hasn’t seen her since. And for some reason I feel guilty for everything I did.

I find myself questioning if I was the reason he abused me. If I caused the fights. I’m just lost right now, dealing with a new child custody battle, and I’m scared he will show all the shit he recorded and it’ll look bad on me. I do have recordings of his abuse, and voice recordings. I have statements from people who witnessed small parts of the abuse, and an ex who has videos of him abusing her as well.

Anyway. Just a long post of venting and questioning myself.